Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology designed to make our life simply actually makes our life more complicated?
Some people think that technology is just a tool which makes people's life more complicate. However, in my opinion, technology is an important means that helps our life simplify. This is because development of technology leads to significant changes in the way of shopping as well as receiving an education, and such changes consequently make our lives easy and convenient.
general한 아이디어로 시작해서 자신의 주장까지 narrow down 하는 구조가 아주 좋습니다. 서론은 구조적으로 깔끔합니다.
To begin with, people today can do the shopping easily by using technology such as e-commerce. This is due to the fact that today online shopping has made it possible for us to sit at home and buy almost everything we want with just a few clicks. According to a survey conducted last year by the Korea Communications Commission, the survey shows that more than 60 percent of Internet users 12-years-old or over are using some online shopping. Interestingly, the researchers believe shoppers will also stick to online shopping even though the economy is in poor shape. This implies that people prefer buying things online due to the easy of use. (불경기일 때도 쇼핑을 지속한다는 것이 단순히 인터넷 상거래의 발달 때문이다~라고 귀결하기에는 논리적인 비약이 있습니다. 두 요소 간의 링크를 설명하기 어려울 경우, 해당 내용을 그냥 삭제하고, 인터넷 상거래가 어떠한 이유로 편리성이 높은지 좀더 자세히 설명해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. )
On top of that, advances in technology like the internet resulted in revolutionary changes in education. This is because the internet allows student to conduct research easily and quickly and makes online courses possible, which are beneficial resources for students with busy schedules. For instance, when I was elementary school student, I had to go an institute to learn about something like english or science. On a rainy day, It was too inconvenient to go there. In contrast, these days I can access to online education programs and take lessons. As a result, I have a wide variety of learning opportunities from the comfort of my home.
전반적인 논리 구조는 좋습니다. 하지만, 본문의 사례를 개인적인 예시로 들었을 경우, 다시 general한 아이디어로 끌고 나와 자기의 주장과 연결지어야 합니다. 즉 closing statement가 필요하다는 것이죠. 어렸을 적 사건을 개인만의 일이 아닌, 현대인들이 모두 겪을 만한 일이었다는걸 어필 할 수 있도록 마지막 문장을 작성하시는게 좋습니다. )
To sum up with, development of technology enables people to enjoy an easy and convenient life particularly in terms of shopping and education. In this regard, I think technology is a necessary tool for a more simple life.
전반적으로 논리적인 구조가 깔끔하고, 에세이의 구조가 완성도 높습니다. 고득점을 위해서 현재 필요한 것은, 개인적 예시를 들었을 경우 general statement로 closing statement작성을 잊지 마시고, 논리적 비약을 피하도록 주의하는 것입니다. 또한, 고급어휘 습득과 문장구조 다변화를 위해 노력하시면 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 것입니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good-fair (23-27)