Some people live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a bit city. Which Place world you prefer to live in?
Use Specific reasons and details to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people prefer to live in a small town, because of beautiful landscape of nature and clean air, while others prefer to live in a big city. This is because it has many advantages for me. In my opinion, I advocate that living in a big city is better has many benefits for me because it gives me numerous opportunities that I can enjoy for my life. There are a lot of reasons why I prefer to live in a big city and I will explain them below.
First of all, a big city provides various educational chances education chance going through diverse diversity experiences experience. A big city has many universities of high quality and professors who received higher education. The universities give me a valuable and meaningful education and then It is good for me to focus on research. In addition, living in a big city helps people to acquire a variety of experiences. It is useful to study for many students. A big city has by visiting many educational places in a big city facilities such as movie theater, historical, art museum and opera house. 고등교육 시설이 많아 공부에 도움이 된다는 내용은 적절합니다. 이후 다양한 체험이 가능한 facilities가 많아서 교육에 도움이 된다는 내용도 연결고리를 보완해서 흐름을 자연스럽게 만들어주세요. 여러 문화시설들을 방문하면 교육적으로 어떤 점이 좋은지를 간단하게 언급해서 '교육'이라는 핵심 내용에 연결되도록 보완이 필요합니다. For example, when I went to New York City, I went to natural history museum and I watched fantastic musical. Also I visited Lincoln center and I listened perfect harmony of orchestra there. At the same time, I learned a lot of history and music. And Then I spent more precious and instructive time. It was nice for education. Practically New York University uses use all of Mahattan city for campus to their education. If you living in a big city, you can receive high quaility education preciously and you can use all facilities of big city for your study.
Secondly, a big city offers a wide range of public transportation. Public transportation is convenient comfortable to our busy daily life. Usually most people commute to school or company by train, bus every day. Public transportation can shorten commuting time a lot. A big city has huge public transportation more than a small town. For instance, I studied for seven months in small town of New Zealand three years ago. When I studied there I did not have a car. I had a difficult time going to school. After I moved to Auckland that is the biggest most big city of New Zealand, however, I It could commute to school so easy everyday by transportation. The buses came my home frequently at intervals of 15 minutes. Therefore, it was more convenient for me to commute to school. Transportation was important to my daily life. It provided a comfortable way to go to school, shopping mall and anywhere. And then, Moreover, you can save your valuable time than living in a small town thanks to public transportation. Today, gas prices is rising become raise gradually. Because In this regard, using a public transportation instead of using our own car can save our cost of living. In these circumstances circumstance, if you living in a big city, you can make your life more efficient and convenient. 도시의 대중교통을 이용해서 시간을 절약할 수 있다는 설명과 그에 대한 사례 부분은 적절하게 설명이 되어 있는 것 같습니다. 이후 금전적인 면에서 절약이 가능하다는 설명 부분에서 연결고리를 더 보완해준다면 좋겠습니다. '그리고 또,(And then)'하는 구어체 표현보다는 In addition, Moreover와 같은 문어체 표현을 사용하는 것이 논리적 형식을 다듬는 데 도움이 됩니다. "가스가격이 오르는 요즘->대중교통을 사용하면 자가용을 사용하지 않아도 되니까->훨씬 싼 값에 이동할 수 있다"하는 점을 보여줄 수 있도록 제가 고친 것처럼 단어들을 보완할 수 있지요.
In conclusion, I support the idea that living in a big city is better than living in a small city. Living in a big city offers numerous education opportunities and use all of facilities to use of a big city for research to our life. Moreover, living in a big city gives us convenient public transportation to our daily life. It can make life more easy and fascinating in terms of time and cost efficiency. . In addition, it can help to our living costs. Therefore, I strongly agree with the idea that living in a big city provides many advantages than living in a small town does.
*주로 쓰이는 채점 기준을 참고하세요
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
1. 비슷한 단어 사용이 많으니 다양한 표현을 사용할 수 있도록 신경써주세요.
2. 문장들을 묶어서 문단으로 잘 정리해서 완성된 형태의 에세이로 만들어주세요.
3. 논리적인 흐름에서 연결고리가 빠진 부분들이 있으니 그 부분들을 보완해주세요.
이전 글보다 논리적 흐름이 많이 좋아진 것 같아요^^ 계속해서 연결고리에 유의하면서 논리적인 흐름이 잘 만들어지도록 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!