Moving to different countries or towns is not good because it can make a person lose old friends.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people are afraid of moving to different areas because they might lose their old friends. However, in my opinion, I believe that moving to another region does not have negative effect on relationships of friends. Furthermore, I think that the advantages of moving to different places far outweigh its disadvantages. In this regard, I disagree with the statement that moving to different areas is not good because it causes cause people to lose old friends.
First off, it is easy for people in current society to keep in touch with friends living in distant areas through advanced telecommunication methods. To be specific, nowadays, there are various kinds of ways to stay in contact such as e-mails, phones or social networking services which is called SNS. With a click of a button, people can simply contact to one another. Therefore, moving is not an important matter when it comes to relationships. 계속해서 연락하면서 지낼 수 있다는 idea나 논리 설명이 적절합니다. 계속해서 연락이 가능하기 때문에 관계가 끊기거나 나빠질 일은 없을 것이다, 하는 식으로 강조해주는 표현을 보완해도 좋을 것 같아요. To take my personal story for example, when I had to move to another area, I was able to maintain and even strengthen my relationship with friends thanks to the help of SNS. Even though, it has been a long time since I moved to different areas, we still chat with one another and stay in contact through the Internet. In this context, moving to other areas does not have any negative effect on friends’ relationships. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Moreover, moving is a good opportunity for people to make new friends living in foreign areas which is one of the advantages of moving. In this competitive society, it is getting important to widen one’s social connections to survive. In this trend, if people move to a new area, it will be better for people they would be able to meet new residents and broaden their social connections by moving. The prime example to illustrate this point is the story of my uncle. When he was young, he had to immigrate to the U.S. At first, he was worried of losing his old friends and did not want to leave Korea. However, after he grew up in the U.S., he was able to get a job in a global company thanks to the help of his friend in the U.S. If he had not immigrated and widened widen his social connections in the U.S, he would not have been able to take the kind of good opportunity. As seen in this case, moving is advantageous and helps people make new friends. 새로운 곳에 가면 새로운 사람들을 만나 사귈 수 있으니 좋다는 설명이 되도록 키워드를 더 보완해주세요. 기본적인 논리 흐름은 reasonable하지만, 논제에서 <오랜 친구를 잃기 때문에> 새로운 곳으로 옮겨 사는 것을 걱정하고 있으므로 새 친구를 사귀는 것의 장점만을 강조하기보다 오랜 친구들과 멀리 떨어져 사는 것의 외로움을 극복할 수 있다거나 새로운 곳에서 형성하는 네트워크도 안정감과 소속감을 줄 수 있다거나 하는 식으로 논제에 대한 insight를 보여주는 방식도 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
Thus, I am firmly convinced that moving to a different locations is beneficial without worrying of losing old friends. This is because, they can not only can maintain relationships with old friends through advanced technology and but also strengthen new social connections by making new friends in a new area.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–27)
전반적인 글의 unity와 coherence가 잘 드러나는 글입니다. 강조할 수 있는 부분들이나 논제파악정도를 잘 보여줄 수 있는 부분들을 더 보완해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 꾸준히 다양한 주제로 연습하고 계시니까 실전에서도 분명히 좋은 결과 있으실 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!