It is important to have rules about the types of clothing people are allowed to wear to work and school.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been heated debate about regulation with dress code at work and school. Some people may believe that such rules are not necessary while others deem otherwise. However, I strongly believe that the existence of costume regulation at school and work is crucial. This is not only because people will be more tensed and can focus better on their work, but also because they can save time times to choose choosing what wear day to day. In this regard I agree with the statement above.
The first reason for my opinion is that staffs and students can better concentrate on their assigned work. Though allowing comfortable attire can enable individuals to feel more relaxed, this actually can deter people from being tensed. People tend to exert their full concentration when they are tensed and pressured compared compare to time times when they are relieved. 사람들이 긴장할 때 더 집중할 수 있다는 논리는 적절하지만 이 부분에서 '의상에 제한을 두어야' 긴장한다는 전제를 먼저 제시할 수 있어야 합니다. 단순히 긴장해야 집중할 수 있다는 내용과 학교나 일터에서 복장제한을 두어야 한다는 주장 사이에는 직접적인 연관성이 없으므로 "복장규제를 통해 어떻게 긴장감을 조성하고 이를 통해 일이나 공부에 집중할 수 있게 하는지"에 대한 설명이 보완되어야 합니다. T0 To be more specific, my uncle who is running small business with two other employees told me that he requires his staffs to be in their business attire. This is because the sales of the products have increased as his employees were more tensed as they were wearing business attire. My uncle’s example illustrates that dress code is favorable for people to concentrate on their tasks.
Another reason for my opinion is that wearing uniform or business attire can save time. In this heavily competitive society, individuals have to do several stuffs in order to overcome other colleagues. This is only possible by cutting down time times spent on unnecessary things. 마찬가지로 이 내용이 복장규제와 어떤 관련성이 있는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 복장규제를 두면 사람들이 왜 시간을 절약할 수 있는지에 대한 설명을 보완해서 복장규제가 오늘날 경쟁적인 사회에서 이점이 될 수 있는 시간 절약에 도움을 준다, 하는 내용으로 연결지을 수 있도록 해주세요. To be more specific, according to the study done by Oxford University, prestigious private high schools which require students to wear uniform are more likely to enter good university has a higher college entrance rate compared to compare to public schools which do does not regulate with what costume students wear. It was shown that students tend to waste a lot of time concerning what to wear before going to start or the night before. Students wearing uniform either had breakfast or had in-depth sleep which is definitely favorable for students. Like mentioned in this example, 내용마무리지어주세요. 사례 내용은 적절합니다^^
Subsequent to mulling over this query, the regulation against students and employees for wearing certain clothes cloth is essential. Comfortable clothes can lead individuals to feel too relaxed which can disturb them from focusing on the work. In addition, choosing what to wear is time consuming. For these reasons, I agree with the idea of dress code for school and work place. the given statement
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논제 파악이나 적절한 예증 면에서는 좋은 점수가 가능하겠지만 논리적 흐름이나 구체적인 설명 면에서 아쉬운 점들이 있습니다. 설명이 단계적인 구성을 보여주기 전에 중반에 끝나버린다는 느낌을 줍니다. 코멘트 참고하셔서 연결고리가 아쉬운 부분들을 보완해주세요. 글을 작성할 때 마지막에 문법 실수들을 체크할 시간 여유를 가질 수 있게끔 조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!