Many people deem that serious movies are not worth watching a while. But I strongly believe that it is the serious movies that are more worth a one's while (무슨 의미로 while을 쓰신건지 잘 모르겠어요), not some flimsy entertaining films. This is because I think that by watching serious movies that cast questions to us make us to be more prudent person, and because producing serious movies are more demanding in a way that producers embody their philosophies in their movies.
First, I think that watching serious movies is more beneficial than watching entertainment movies, because of the philosophies that are embodied in films make us to be more prudent, more speculative and deeper person. And serious movies also provide chances to increase our thinking abilities. I think that elevated thinking abilities have become more important than ever. This is because modern day society demands us enhanced thinking ability by forcing us to take a part in a competition with between co-workers or other colleagues. And most of people lack the chances to speculate about fundamental meanings of lives which eventually increases our intellectual capacities.And secondly, I think that serious movies are more valuable than some other entertaining films because producing serious movies demand very deep philosophical facilities. And I think it is the philosophical subjects and themes that are incredibly hard to come up with, not some mundane and trivial themes like entertaining films. (문법적으로 틀린건 아닌데 문장의 clarity를 위해서 구성을 조금 바꿔주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요) And another reason why I value serious movies is that serious movies last longer than entertaining films. This is because of the questions that are unresolved, will be imprinted on our minds. And these questions that were casted by watching serious movies last longer times in our mind than questions from other entertaining films. (비교구문을 쓰실때는 than의 앞, 뒤로 같은 품사를 비교해주셔야 합니다)
In summary, I think it is better to watch serious movies than entertaining movies. This is because serious movies make us to be more thoughtful person, and because serious movies are harder to produce than comedy films. In addition, serious movies last longer leaves more questions in our mind than entertainment films do. These are the reasons why I think watching serious movies is more worth a while.
전반적으로 essay의 tone이 informal 한 것 같아요. It is that~ It is because~ 이런 어조의 말을 쓰는 것 보다는 좀 더 간단명료하게 능동적으로 써 주시는 게 더 좋아요. 그리고 문장구성도 좀 단조로운 것 같아요. 전체적인 에세이의 내용흐름도 명료하지가 않아서 글쓴이의 의견이 clear 하게 보이진 않는 것 같아요. 다시한번 읽으면서 수정을 해 보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 좀 더 direct 하고 clear 한 tone으로 써 주시는 게 좋습니다.