Movie and television has more negative effects than positive effect on children’s behavior.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in current society movie and television has a tremendous importance in our lives. Some people think that movie and television has more negative effects than positive effect on children’s behavior, while others do not. I, however, believe that it is better for children to watch movie and television. There are several reasons that I could discuss to support my argument, so I will limit my discussion to the two that I feel are the most relevant to the topic: the concepts of stress and decisions.
First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this way is that children are already stressed out due to the excessive demand of life. Most often, having no outlet, no matter how small it may be, tends to lead anxiety. Thus, it can be said that children should watch television and movie because they will receive additional stress otherwise. This remind reminds me of a time when I was in elementary school. The fact that my parents (뒤에서 they로 지칭하므로 복수가 되어야 합니다) forced me not to watch television added more pressure to my struggle with stress. I had to focus on studying all times without having time to take rest. At the same time I felt irritable and had sleepless worrying about relationship, money. Not having enough time to refresh myself didn’t help alleviate feeling under pressure at all. After my parents knew this fact that I could refresh myself by watching movies, they allowed me to watch TV anytime. Because I could relieve my stress through movie, TV, I was able to study more conveniently. As my experience shows, children need to watch TV, movies of stress. off-topic TV나 영화를 금지해야 하는가/아닌가를 묻는 내용이 아니라 아이들의 '행동'에 어떤 영향을 미치는지 묻는 내용입니다. 따라서 TV나 영화를 못 보게 하면 스트레스가 쌓이니까 보게 해 줘야 한다는 주장은 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 없습니다. 논제 내용을 다시 검토해보시고 적절한 답변이 될 수 있도록 수정해주세요.
Second, another reason which supports my point is that TV programs affect the decision that we make. TV programs can give different perspectives by reflecting various experiences. If children watch TV programs related to the education, they will make better decisions by putting these perspectives into consideration. Take my brother who was interested in studying math and wanted to become a math professor, for example. When he was graduating from high school, he made a solid decision because he watched educational TV programs. Going to Taiwan College was one of the best decisions he had ever made. This decision was based on the answer by “Introduce my university” which was a TV program. In the program, Tom which who was in Taiwan College introduced his university that it specialized in math and had many good math teachers. As this example clearly shows, watching TV has positive impact on children because of decision. off-topic TV에 등장하는 많은 상황들로 인해 좋은 결정을 내릴 수 있게 된다는 흐름 자체는 적절할 수 있지만, 이 역시도 아이들의 behavior, 즉 행동이나 태도와는 관련이 없습니다. 논제에서 specific하게 '아이들의 행동(태도)'라는 키워드를 제시해주었으니 이 부분에 맞게 답안을 만들어야 합니다. 올바른 결정을 하게 된다는 설명은 마음가짐이나 행동거지, 태도, 품행과 연결되는 요소라 보기는 어렵지요. 좀 더 논제 내용에 부합할 수 있는 방향으로 improve해주세요.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have adequately and sufficiently explained my position on the matters regarding this topic.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
스트레스를 받지 않는 것이나 좋은 결정을 내리는 것은 논제에서 이야기하는 chlidren's behavior와는 다소 다른 개념에 해당합니다. 논제의 'behavior'는 아이들의 행동거지나 태도에 대한 것이라고 이해하는 편이 적절합니다. 단순히 TV가 좋다거나 TV를 금지하면 안 된다는 논리만으로는 논점에 맞는 답변이 될 수 없지요. 논제 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 적절한 내용으로 revise해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!