Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Even if some people agree with the statement that teachers whose students are learned more should be paid more, I disagree with it from my perspective. How can people measure the amount of students learned? The measurement of learning could be scores of students or survey by students would make some problems in terms of motivation and education.
First of all, if teachers are paid by quantities how much their students’ learned, it might have a bad effect on teachers as being a true educator. '진정한 교육자의 자질에 해가 된다'라는 피상적인 표현보다 좀 더 명확한 표현을 사용해도 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어 '교사의 의욕을 떨어뜨려 아이들이 quality education을 받기 어렵다' 하는 식으로 표현하면 전달력이 더 높아질 수 있지요. To be specific, because of various types of students’ preference for studying and their interest in studying, it seems like that all needs for education could not be satisfied by one teacher or at the same time. Accordingly, in spite of teachers' hard working for to encourage their students in many ways, sometimes it could not work on some students and it would ensue judging their reputation lower than reality. What it comes to get lower evaluation than their effort in their job is that they do not have motivation to encourage their students such as disscussing the reason why they need to study, and just do force them to get a higher score so that a teacher himself get a better evalution. 논제가 제시한 내용(아이들의 학업성취도에 따라 봉급을 다르게 받는 것)과 좀 더 연관성을 높여주세요. 현재 내용은 정확히 어떤 부분이 선생님들의 motivation인지, 왜 선생님들이 의욕이 떨어지는지가 명확하지 않기 때문에 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결하기 애매합니다. 논제에서 요구하는 specific example도 빠져 있고요. 좀 더 간결한 단계적 설명이 가능한 idea로 정리하고 3-4문장 정도로 논리 설명을 마칠 수 있게끔 내용을 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 나머지 분량은 실제 사례를 3-4문장 정도로 제시해서 논지를 뒷받침하는 형태로 보완하는 것이 좋습니다.
Secondly, how much their students learn does not the only representatives, the duties of teachers. Specifically, there are many other qualities and roles of teachers such as showing responsibility, guiding in a right way with moral aspect, and building a pleasant memory of school life to students. School is not a place just for learning knowledge. I believe school is the place where human understand what human being is, why people live together, and how people feel and share their emotion at an early in life. As following meaning of school, teachers also should do their role as a grown up or human being. Thus, because the work that teachers have to do is not only convey knowledge to teach students, so they should not be judged by how much students learn. If teachers earn their payment based on the amount whose students learn, there is possibility for teacher to focus only on the score or the grades whose their students got gotten. Moreover, making the matter worse, it is hard to make students be responsible and get along with each other due to fierce competition within an educational atmosphere getting a good score. This attitude of teachers may give students a certain wrong message which could be planted in their brain that the most important thing is score and rank of their study. 문단이 전하고자 하는 내용이 명확하지 않습니다.선생님의 역할에 대해 논할 것이 아니라 <학생 성적에 따라 선생님 봉급을 정하는 것>이 왜 옳지 않은지에 대한 의견을 피력해야 합니다. 선생님의 역할에 대해서만 논할 경우 나의 입장이 분명히 전달되기 어렵습니다. 논리 전개에 불필요한 설명도 너무 많고요. 명확한 주장을 정리하고, 그에 대한 설명은 3-5문장 정도로 간결하게 정리해서 재구성해주세요. 예를 들어 성적에 따라 선생님들의 봉급이 정해지면 선생님들이 성적과 직결된 지식을 전달하는 데만 신경쓰기 때문에 아이들이 인성교육이나 social skill과 같은 부분은 제대로 교육받지 못할 가능성이 생기지요. 이 때 주제문은 "성적으로 봉급을 책정하면 학생들이 well-balanced education을 받기 어렵다."하는 식의 요지로 정리하고, 왜 그런지에 대한 설명을 단계적으로 이어줄 수 있습니다. For example, these kinds of happening are really done in South Korea. At some private schools in that country, the fact that teachers are actually paid salary by average grades of their students, result in twice ratio of happening tragedy that students commit suicide due to their decreased score than other schools per year. Although the suicide has have not been caused by just how their teachers earn money and how teachers treat their students, it is true that the relationship and correlation exist between payment-judgement way of teacher and the higher rate of suicide happening. In these aspects, we sholud not overlook the result from instituting this way of payment just for according to their students’ score or knowledge level, we need to keep in mind about teachers’ duty and the point of view to be required to give the young lessons guiding thier life.
To sum up, I do not agree with the idea that teachers have to be paid with degrees of whose how much students learn, as long as it can reduce the motivation to teach and it may create some phenomenon that teachers educate wrong lessons to the students.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
논제에 직결되는 답변이 되도록 좀 더 논리들을 정리해주세요. 현재 글은 불필요한 내용이 너무 많고 피상적으로 '돌아가는' 설명들이 많아 전달력이 떨어집니다. 과하게 내용을 덧붙여서 분량을 만들기보다 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문장력이나 구성력이 있으시니까 금방 느실 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!