Some
people argue that young people today are less dependent on their parents than young people were in the past. In my opinion, it should not be allowed (이 statement가 allow 되지
않아야 한다고 쓰는 것 보다는 this statement is not true 라고 쓰는 게 좋을 것
같아요). Personally, I do not agree with this
view. There are many arguments to support my position, but the two main reasons
are stated and explained in detail below.
Most
importantly, parents today have a greater influence on their children than they
did were in
the past. This is because, recently, parents can help children to develop their
talents by observing them close at hand. Today, young people lead highly
scheduled lives as the world becomes more competitive and fast-paced than ever.
As a result, they can miss chances to stumble on the fields that they actually desire to study. This explains the
need for parents’ involvement in honing children’s talents and potential that
might have been buried for many years. Referring to a study conducted by
Stanford University, experts now argue that students who have close connection
with their parents not only choose the correct path at an early age but also
develop their true potential holistically. Actually, most surveyed respondents stated that they might have
wasted much time if it had not been for parents’ counseling and assistance
during their early years.
In
addition, nowadays, parents’ influence on young people is becoming more important than ever. This is attributed to
the fact that parents can guide today’s children to become model citizens by
teaching important life lessons. Generally, students are immature and fallible
day by day, and at such time, parents must teach them societal values and thus
lend a helping hand in directing to direct them to become useful members of society.
Thus, parents play a significant role in children’s growth today. For instance,
young students may feel tempted to succumb to drugs, especially these days
where students can easily get in touch with it. Since they lack enough
experience, they are likely to consider following the wrong path. However, if
young people ask for the help of their
parents, they can learn how to fix their moral standards and match the societal
values they learned about to real-life
circumstances. Through such guidance, young people can resist the temptation of
taking drugs and thus grow up as good citizens.
Due
to these reason, my argument is worthy of being supported regardless of its
logical flaws. Indeed, the role of older people such as parents, teachers
should not be overlooked, but rather be highly regarded over time.
의견표현도 확실하고 문장구성도 좋은 에세이 인 것 같아요. 하지만 내용적으로 봤을 때 요즘 아이들에게 부모님의 영향이 크다고 써 주셨는데 옛날 아이들에게는 부모님의 영향이 크지 않았던 건 아닌 것 같아요. 옛날 아이들보다 요즘 아이들이 받는 영향이 더 큰 이유를 좀 더 디테일하게 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.