▶ Your Answer :
We have used our
time to watch television more and more since the television was not the unique
things for us anymore. As a result, We can get a tons of information we need by
watching it. It has a side effects, by the way, such as violent program or the program
having a useless information, so some people say that it is much efficient for
us to read a book when we need to learn about something. However, I think the
image including the television is much better to learn about something for
following a couple of reasons.
People have come to spend their time in watching television more than they did since television is not something unique anymore. As a result, they can gain a lot information they need these day by turning on television. However, it can be also said that television has its dark side; this includes violent tv programmes and useless information they give; this is why some people believe that reading books is a more efficient way for us than watching television when it comes to learning. Having said that, I think that utilizing visual media such as television is a much better way to learn for the following reasons. → '사람들이 ~하게 되었다' 라는 뜻을 쓰려는 것이니 have come to 를 써야됩니다. get은 비격식 표현이므로 gain information이 에세이에 더 올바른 동사입니다. 부정관사 a 는 복수명사와 오면 안되며, 본문속 information은 셀수 없는 명사이므로 역시 a가 오면 안됩니다. 전반적으로 잘못 사용된 표현이 너무 많아서 완전히 고쳐드렸습니다. '우리'를 뜻하는 'we'보다는 좀 더 중립적인 표현인 'people'이 토플 독립형 에세이에 더 어울릴 것 같아 바꾸었습니다.
First of all, the only one scene of
television has tremendous information compared to a one page of book. To be
specific, we need to write a bunch of letters when we portray one small picture
of a view. It means that this picture includes letters we write. So, we can
save a time by watching television when we learn about something.
First of all, the amount of information a specific scene in television screen can carry is much larger than one page of a book. To be specific, one needs to write out all the details if he or she has to describe a small-sized picture. This means that pictures include what needs to be written in detail on a paper. In other words, people can save time by watching television instead of reading books. → 전체적으로 어떤 의미를 말하시려는지 헷갈려서 다소 추측해서 바꾸었습니다. 에세이에 'so'를 쓰는 것은 좋지 못합니다. 'learn about something'이라는 표현이 계속해서 반복되어 나왔는데 이 표현자체도 좀 뭔가 이상하고, 다른 표현으로 바꾸어 가며 쓰는게 좋을듯 합니다.
Secondly, It is easier for most people to
watching than reading. This is because we do not have to concentrate when we
watching something. We can get a information just by watching. In my case, I
can understand about every contents without a deep thinking or something like
that when I watch movie. It is quite different when I read a book because
reading a book demand us to have attitude of concentration. If one method to
study something is funnier than other, we could say the first method is more
efficient than other. So, I think watching a television is useful than reading
a books. Second, it is easier for most people to watch television than to read. This is because people don't need to pay full attention when they are watching television. Simply watching it gives people information that they need. Since I can understand almost every content in movies without deeply thinking about them, no additional efforts to understand is needed when I watch them. However, the situation is totally different when it comes to reading a book; this forces us to pay special attention to it. I personally think that the more interesting a method of studying is, the better it is than the others. For this reason, I believe that watching television is more useful than reading a book. → 이곳에서도 so 가 쓰였는데 역시 바람직하지 않습니다. 비교급에 useful 전에 more를 사용해야 합니다. 주의를 기울이다라는 표현으로 pay attention to 를 사용하면 좋을듯 싶습니다. 혹은 focus on 이나요.
It is
true that most students are studying by reading a books even now. But I think
this circumstance will be changed within a few years. Every classroom will have
a computer-educated system and TV ,so most teacher will teach students by using
that system. This is because, by watching television, we can save our time and
enjoy a studying as well. So, I agree with that people learn more by watching
television than by reading books. It is a true that most students read a book these days when they learn something. I think that the situation will change within a few years. Every classroom will be equipped with a computer-based system and TV, and as a result, teachers will educate their students by making the use of the system. For these reasons, I agree with the idea that people learn more by watching television than by reading books. This is because 문장은 전 단락의 반복에 불과하니 없에버리는게 나을것 같네요.
냉정하게 말씀드리면 15점 아래로 나올 꺼라 생각합니다. 조언해드리자면, 지금으로써는 영어 독서를 좀더 많이 하셔서 어휘력과 표현력을 좀 더 얻으시고 다시 연습하시는게 좋으리라 생각합니다. |