Children should play sports for fun rather than for competition
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people say that children should play sports for competition rather than for fun. However, in my opinion, children should play sports for fun and give the competition is lower priority. This is because children can relieve stress when they play sports for fun and they can learn teamwork more effectively.
First, playing sports for fun lets let children relieve stress. Playing sports is one of the best ways to relieve stress. But if they playing sports for competition, it will be a burden for to them, not relieving stress. idea자체는 적절하지만 설명 보완이 더 필요합니다. 경쟁을 목적으로 스포츠하는 것이 왜 부담이 되는지에 대한 설명과 즐거움을 위해 스포츠하는 것이 왜 스트레스를 푸는 데 도움이 되는지를 더 구체적으로 설명해주세요. For example, in my middle school, there were two teachers - Mr. Kim, Mr. Lee - with different philosopy about exercise classes. Mr. Kim thought that the purpose of exercise classes was fun and Mr. Lee thought that the purpose was teaching students about winning the competition. From stress level tests for students, the classes with Mr. Kim showed lower level of stress than the classes with Mr. Lee. This verifies that playing sports for fun is more efficient for relieving stress.
On top of that, children learn teamwork more efficiently when they enjoy sports without competition. It is widely known that playing sports is a good way to learn teamwork. But if members in a team focus on winning a competition, it is difficult for young children to learn teamwork. One can learn teamwork when he experiences better performance with cooperation and this is possible only when he forgets about winning and enjoys working as a team. 팀으로 스포츠를 하는 것과 '즐거움을 위해 스포츠를 하는 것' 사이에는 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 이기기 위해 한 팀으로 힘을 모아 경쟁하는 것도 team sports라 볼 수 있으니까요. 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 설명 흐름을 다듬어주세요. '왜' 스포츠를 경쟁이 아니라 즐기기 위한 것으로 보는 게 협동을 잘 가르쳐주는지 보여줄 수 있는 설명이 필요합니다. Accordning to the research by Korean Institute for Leadership and Teamwork, it is more efficient to learn teamworking teamwork under incompetitive environment. The article also says that young children tend tends to avoid cooperation and pursue individual benefit under a competitive situation. This is a strong evidence that for learning teamwork is more efficient when children are playing sports for fun.
To sum up, relieving stress and learning teamwork can be is more effective under an incompetitive situation. Therefore, in conclusion, I strongly believe that playing sports for fun is better than playing sports for competition.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
경쟁을 위해 스포츠를 배우면 스트레스를 풀기 어렵고 협동정신을 배우기 어렵다는 흐름을 잡은 부분은 아주 좋습니다. 설명 과정에서 논점이 어긋나거나 연결고리가 부족해 논리가 약한 부분들이 많아 아쉽습니다. 설명 내용이 보다 적절하게 주장을 뒷받침될 수 있도록 improve해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!