A teacher’s ability to relate well with students is more important than the ability to give knowledge.
Many students’ parents would undoubtedly say no, if they were asked about whether the teacher’s ability to connect with students well is more important. They would point out that a teacher has to focus on educating their subjects and increasing students’ knowledge. However they seem to be missing something more important. I believe that the teacher had better concentrate more on relating with students. This idea will be discussed based on the two perspectives: if a teacher improves the relation with students, students are motivated to study. Plus, the more a teacher thinks about their students, the more a teacher can help them to solve their problem.
To begin with, a friendly teacher can give students a motivation to study hard. There are many students who don’t know why they have to study and which subjects they are interested in. In this situation, a teacher can help students to find their dreams rather easily and to struggle to achieve their goals. 설명들 사이의 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 선생님이 아이들과 잘 지내면 '왜' 공부하도록 motivate할 수 있는지에 대한 설명이 주가 되어야 합니다. 단순히 선생님이 학생들의 꿈을 찾는 것을 도와준다는 진술은 '학생들과 잘 지내는 선생님'에 대한 설명이 되기 어렵습니다. 학생들과 잘 지내면->이러이러하니까->공부하도록 motivate할 수 있다, 하는 식의 단계적 흐름이 잘 드러날 수 있도록 구성해주세요. For example, when I was 17 years old, I did not know what I want to be. However, I could set a goal and start studying eagerly after meeting a biology teacher. Attending her biology class, I became interested in biology and asked a lot of questions. She not only answered the questions but also told me a life of biologist and allowed me to experiment in the school laboratory. Due to her attention and helps, I could discover my dream and have majored in biology at university. 사례 내용에서도 선생님이 나와 좋은 관계를 잘 유지했다는 점을 더 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 내용 자체는 적절합니다.
In addition, students can solve problems by a teacher’s assistance. "relate well하는 선생님이" 이 부분을 잘 할 수 있다는 점을 주장으로 제시해야 합니다. 현재 문장은 "학생들은 선생님의 도움으로 문제를 해결한다"라는 일반진술로 느껴지지요. 주장의 형태로 더 보완해주세요. There are a great deal of personal problems among middle and high school students. These students have difficulty solving their problem for themselves. If a teacher has continuous connection with their students, they will say about their problem and with the teacher’s help, they can wisely handle the problem. For instance, I had a big fight with my friend when I was a middle school student. students. After the fight, I really regretted and want wanted reconciliation, but I was not brave. For a month, I contemplated it seriously and finally talked to a teacher. The teacher made an opportunity to talk each other and as a result, I could improve the relationship with my friend. 마찬가지로 사례 내용에서 단순히 선생님의 도움으로 문제를 해결했다는 내용만 제시할 경우 "선생님이 relate well하는 것이 더 좋다"라는 입장을 뒷받침할 수 없습니다. 내용 방향 자체는 틀린 것이 아니니 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요.
In short, as we have seen, even though one of the duties of teachers is to provide specific knowledge to students, I strongly believe that a teacher has have to focus on close relation with students them since a teacher can motivate them to work and give a helpful assistance for solving student’s concern. On the whole, I agree the statement.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
본론 부분의 주장과 설명이 좀 더 설득력을 가질 수 있게끔 improve해주세요. 기본적인 내용 방향은 잘 잡아두셨으니 흐름을 보완하는 부분에 신경써주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 오탈자나 문법 오류도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!