Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people argue that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. By comparison, others claim that success results from careful planning. As far as I am concerned, when you take risks or chances there is a high possibility to succeed success in your life. The view of my argument goes as follows.
In the first place, today, we live in a very competitive world and the society we belong to keeps keep changing very fast. That means you need to take risks and get chances to compete with your rivals and to beat them in your field. If you spend too much time for just planning or hesitate to take chances you might lose your opportunities. Such opportunities that you lose will go to others who are willing to take risks. 중심내용이 명확하지 않습니다. '왜' 위험을 감수하고 기회를 바로 잡는 것이 성공에 더 도움이 되는지를 주장으로 정리해주세요. 내용 전개 흐름 역시 정돈이 필요합니다. 두괄식 문형에 맞게 이 주장을 첫 문장에 먼저 소개하고 그에 대한 설명을 연결하는 형태로 흐름을 다듬어주세요. For example, Steve Steven Jobs, who is one of the most famous and successful people in the world today, dropped his college and jumped into inventing a computer in his early twenties. It was a huge risk that he took and it was not easy to produce products but he never quit and tried over and over. Finally he established “Apple” which is the most famous, popular and successful company in the world. I think that he was able to succeed in his business because he had taken risks and tried faster than others. 단순히 위험을 무릅쓰고 기회를 잡아서 성공한 내용만으로는 '문단의 주장'을 support하기에 약할 수 있습니다. 문단의 주장을 정리하고 그와 연관성을 보여줄 수 있는 사례 내용으로 보완해주세요.
In the second place, successful life does not only mean to succeed in your business. Real success would mean that you do not regret your life when are dying. According to articles, people dying regret the most not having tried what that they wanted to do when they were healthy and young. For instance, there was an elderly man dying from cancer. He wrote a book of his story in the hospital. In his book he said that if there was more time available he would try things that he did not try for from many reasons such as a money problem, other people’s perspective or his hear fear of taking a risk. He also said that his life would have been happier if he had taken risks and gotten more chances. 위험을 감수하고서라도 빠르게 기회를 잡아야 성공한다는 입장과는 아무런 관련이 없는 설명입니다. 죽을 때 후회하지 않으니까 기회를 잡는 것이 좋다는 설명만으로는 성공과 연결짓기 어렵습니다. 성공은 후회없이 행복한 삶을 사는 것이다, 하는 식의 전제사항을 보완해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 내용을 더 발전시켜서 재구성해주세요.
It is very important to make plans carefully to be sure. However, it is way more important to take risks and get chances for having a successful life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
나의 입장을 support해주는 주장을 정리해서 두괄식 문형에 맞게 구성해주세요. 영어에세이에서는 특히 '명확성'을 잘 살려주는 것이 좋습니다. 논제 내용과 연결할 수 있는 부분들을 중점적으로 보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!