People can benefit more from traveling in their own country than traveling to foreign countries.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people argue that traveling in their own country is better than traveling abroad. However, as far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that traveling to foreign countries is much more advantageous than traveling one's own country. domestic. That's because people are able to have new experience such as eating foreign food and meeting different lifestyle. Another reason for my opinion is that people can be developed through hard situations in foreign country.
To begin with, many people experience different culture when they travel overseas. In other words, they eat many kinds of foods that they haven't eaten ever and meet unfamiliar lifestyles. It can be opportunity for them to enlarge their experience. Also, they can make unforgettable memories during traveling abroad. 전하고자 하는 '이점'이 좀 더 명확하게 드러나면 좋을 것 같아요. 다른 문화를 경험해서 좋다는 설명이나 잊을 수 없는 기억을 남겨온다는 설명보다는 이 내용들을 합쳐서 '시야가 넓어진다'하는 식의 내용으로 정리하면 좀 더 이점이 잘 드러날 수 있지요. For example, I went to Japan on summer vacation 3 years ago. I ate many foods that were very different from with my country's domestic foods and pretty delicious. Furthermore, I met Japan's polite culture. Japanese people were very polite and kind to me although I was a foreigner. All these were very interesting to me and I was pretty moved during my traveling. I firmly think that the traveling was a exciting memory. 단순히 다른 문화를 경험했다는 사실만으로는 '이점'이 드러나지 않습니다. 사례 내용 역시 어떤 advantage가 있었는지를 주장과 연결해서 보여줄 수 있게끔 보완해주세요.
On top of that, people are able to develop themselves during traveling abroad. Normally, most people have a hard time on traveling overseas due to the different language. Through this difficulty, people can improve their skills such as problem solving skills and communication skills. These are very good for their future. '발전한다'는 표현이 다소 피상적으로 느껴질 수 있으니 범위를 좁혀서 좀 더 설명을 구체화해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. body1에서 경험이 풍부해진다거나 시야가 넓어지는 것 또한 '발전한다'는 범주에 넣을 수 있는 부분이지요. body2를 커뮤니케이션기술이나 문제해결능력 중 한 가지로 point를 잡아서 발전시켜봐도 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, my friend went to Europe alone. He underwent many difficulties even when he ordered a dish at a restaurant. foods. At that time, he asked for help to someone who could use the local same language or used his body language to solve the problem. After the trip, he became a person who doesn't be panic even when although he faces hard situation. I entirely believe that the traveling was very nice to him.
To sum up, I strongly agree with the statement that traveling abroad is pretty awesome to people on account of the reasons I mentioned above: not only can people make precious memories, but also they are able to have opportunities to develop themselves.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–18)
각 주장이 더 명확한 이점을 드러낼 수 있도록 정리해주시고 설명과 사례 내용을 구체적으로 보완해주세요. 방향을 잘 잡아두셨으니 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 내용만 보완해주셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!