Advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether advertising is the main cause of unhealthy eating habits. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
First, advertisements advertisings affect most of fads in eating. Customers tend to show sensitive reaction to Customer’s reacting is really alert in stimulating advertisements. Lots of sweets and fast foods are usually show shows popular stuffs on advertisements. They make passing fads on eating habits of people, especially in the young. youngers. Most of pizza advertisements include pop stars who have high quality popularity to make good image of their foods. According to Dr.Kim in Yonsei University lecturing in psychology, 82% of young people youngers go out some places which were showed on Facebook or Twitter. These places are usually too crowded to take a line for their advertising based on reputations or interesting advertisements. 사람들이 광고에 즉각적으로 반응한다는 것이 좋지 않은 식습관과 무슨 연관이 있는지를 설명할 수 있어야 합니다. 단순히 음식광고에 대한 설명만으로는 논제에 대한 답변을 구성할 수 없습니다. 논제와의 연관성을 살려서 주장과 문단 내용을 재구성해주세요.
Secondly, people tend to eat too often for advertisements. It is hard not to eat sweet and yummy food when they are hungry, even though they need to eat healthy dinner or it’s time to go to bed. 광고가 자주 먹게 만든다는 설명이 좀 더 설득력을 가질 수 있을만한 연결고리들이 필요합니다. TV광고가 시도때도 없이 나오니까 밥시간이 아닌 때에도 먹게 만든다는 점을 풀어서 설명해주면 좋을 것 같아요. For instance, when they are taking a rest on a couch watching TV, there would be tons of food advertsements. TV stars who are acting on advertsements eat pizza really happily and suggest audiences to try some. Then many people youngers who were chilling down on a couch easily go and bring telephone and start to make a call to order one. 사례 내용과 주장의 연관성을 더 높여주세요. 소파에서 놀다가 TV를 보고 음식을 주문하고싶어진다는 점만으로는 '정해진 시간대에 규칙적으로 식사하지 못한다'는 점을 제대로 보여줄 수 없지요.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales above are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–18)
논제와의 연관성을 보여줄 수 있게끔 주장을 다듬고 연결고리들을 보완해주세요. 각 문단의 주장과 설명 내용은 논제 내용에 대한 답변으로 이어질 수 있어야 합니다. 사례 내용 역시 좀 더 일관성을 가지고 연결되도록 신경써주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!