It is better to spend time with one or two close friends than with a large number of friends.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think that spending time with a few friends is better than doing with many friends. However, in my opinion, it is better to meet many people than only one or two people. This is because it can help me bulid relationship for later and learn how to deal with many different others.
First, once people build a good relationship with many friends, friend, they will be always willing to help you. A number of friends large amount of friend have lots of different abilities ability and advantage advantages respectively. If you have difficult problem, you can ask some of them. The more people you have, the easier to find people who can help you. So when people make strong bond with many people, they can easily solve their problem. 친구를 많이 사귀는 것과 적게 사귀는 것을 비교하는 문제가 아니라 '시간을 보내는 방법'에 대해 묻는 문제라고 파악하는 것이 적절합니다. 즉, 친구들과 시간을 보내는 것에 대한 문제이므로 '많은 친구를 사귀어두면 좋은 점'에 대해 논하는 것은 적절한 답변으로 보기 어렵습니다. 논제 내용에 맞게끔 재구성해주세요. For example, a recent survey of one hundred businessmen revealed some interesting result. When asked what is the most helpful thing that when they you have a matter, 54 percent of thoese surveyed responded 'good relationship.' Thus, making many people as a friend helps directly our ours lives. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 많은 친구들과 시간을 보내는 것에 대한 내용이 아니기 때문에 논점이 어긋납니다.
Second, spending time with many people, we can learn how to cope with others. All people have diffrenent personalities and features. personality and treat. If you meet many people and interact with them, you would be used to dealing deal with new people. It is very valuable ability nowadays in todays, when you can apply this to your work woks or other activities. 많은 친구들과 함께 시간을 보내면 '왜' 사람을 대하는 방법을 알게 되는지에 대한 설명을 더 보완해주세요. For example, when I was in college, I joined students club clud in school. In the club, I met many various people. Some of them were from other countries and most of them have differnent majors and thinking. I could easily deal with many others in my jobs later by using experience with them. idea자체는 크게 논점에서 벗어난다고 할 수 없지만 이 문단 내용 역시 '시간을 보내는 것'에 초점이 가도록 해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
For these reasons, reason, it is better for people to spend their time meeting many people.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–20)
논점이 어긋나지 않도록 '논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있는 내용인지'에 유의하면서 글을 전개해나가는 것이 중요합니다. 수일치 부분에서 문법 오류가 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 신경써주시기 바랍니다. 논제에 맞게 내용을 구체화하는 부분을 중점적으로 보완해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!