Government spend more money to make the internet more easily accessible than to improve public transportation.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The advent of the internet has totally changed human lives. It can be said to be the one of the most necessary tools for people, so almost major cities in the world are already being covered by broadband connections available avaalable easily, wherever people want to use it. In my opinion, people's demands for convenient internet access are already accomplished. Rather, I think improvement of public transportation is significant problem. In this sense, I strongly believe that once government tries try to spend more money to enhance enhancing the quality of public transportation, it can not only solve the traffic congestion conjestion, but also prevent huge accidents threatening a myriad of people's lives.
First of all, enhancement of public transportation triggers to solve the traffic problem. To be specific, people using public transportation make complaints about its decript ←? facilities and taking a long time, while commuters who drive to work suffer from heavy traffic congestion. conjestion. So, by fixing and improving the public transportation, it can relieve the stress stresses of citizens who use it. Consquently, it might be expected to assuage the traffic jam, since imporved public transportation would encourage more people to commute by it, finally less people are likely to take cars on the road. 문단의 중심내용을 분명히 해주세요. 대중교통의 불편함이 해소됨으로써 교통혼잡이 해소될 수 있다는 설명 과정에서 대중교통을 이용하는 사람들과 자가용을 이용하는 사람들을 굳이 나눌 필요는 없어 보입니다. For example, according to the research from National Department of Traffic in Korea, majority of repondants are reluctant to use public transportation because of inconvenient services such as longer commuting time, complex route, and crowd. crowed passengers. Inspiritingly, among them, more than a half responded if the public transportation services are going to change, they are willing to commute by it. 대중교통이 낙후돼서 사람들이 스트레스를 받고 불편함을 겪는다는 내용 역시 '교통혼잡'과는 직접적인 연관성이 없습니다. 흐름을 다듬어서 좀 더 요지가 분명하게 전달될 수 있도록 해주세요. 불필요한 내용을 빼고 <통근 시간의 교통혼잡이 자가용을 이용하는 사람들이나 대중교통을 이용하는 사람들 모두에게 많은 스트레스를 줬었는데, 대중교통을 개선하면 이러이러하니까 이 문제가 해결된다> 하는 정도로 다듬어보면 좋을 것 같아요.
Furthermore, deteriorated facilities can threaten the lives of people. Transportation problems are highly directly involved in the people's lives. Paricularly, when adject terrors or accidents happen happens at the public transportation, a large number plethora of people might be injured, or even die dead at once. 마찬가지로 갑자기 '테러의 위험'을 함께 설명하는 것은 논점을 흐릴 가능성이 있습니다. 낙후된 대중교통시설이 안전문제와 관련되어 있다는 부분을 강조하고 이를 개선해서 승객들의 안전을 잘 확보해야 한다는 흐름에만 초점을 맞춰주세요. To be specific, after adoption of metro in Korea it has been about 40 years. So, there are a myriad of old and balky facilities scattered all over the region of Seoul. If those might not be fixed or exchanged exchange soon, it can exist be existed as a time bomb, which leads to huge accidents and damage of human life. Last month, months, in Korea, two subway trains subways collided and a number of passengers were nearly damaged. Fortunately, it ended up in no casualty. And the major cause of the accident was were revealed as the old traffic light. Once If it had been fixed earlier, it could have prevented such that bad accidents from taking place. 사례 내용이 논제 내용과 어떤 관련성을 갖는지를 설명해주세요. 단순히 대중교통시설은 점검이 중요하다는 것이 요지가 아니라 정부의 예산을 대중교통 개선에 힘써야 한다는 입장을 위한 내용이므로 논제의 키워드와 함께 연결짓는 마무리를 넣어주는 편이 좋습니다.
In summary, I disagree with the statement that government should use more money to improve the internet accessibility, rather than to improve public transportation. In my opinion, improving public transportation is a lot more significant and urgent problem, since this problem is directly involved in the people's commute and their lives.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
기본적인 idea들은 모두 논제에 대한 답변으로 적절합니다. 내용을 설명하는 과정에서 논점에 맞지 않는 부분들을 정리하고 요지가 명확하게 드러나게끔 보완해주세요. 사례 내용 역시 좀 더 coherence를 살리는 방향으로 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 오탈자나 어색한 단어 활용 등이 많이 보이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^화이팅!