To celebrate major events such as graduations or special birthdays, it is better to organize a large party and invite many people than to have a small celebration with a few friends and family.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether it is better to organize a lare party and invite many people than to have a small cellebration with a few friends and family or not. The answer to this question can vary greatly, denpending on the individual perspectives. Thus the jury may still be out, but bus as far as I am concerned, I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my stanpoint as follows.
First, enjoying a large party exhilarates us and makes us happy. In our rapidly-changing society, we have to face daily deadlines and balance a multitude of tasks. It is so depressing, which causes us to feel fatigued and melancholy. Many of us, however, find a break from this stress by organiing a large party and invite many friends. Given this, enjoying a large party can be considered to be one of the releases of today's society. body1한문단으로 합쳐주세요 In my case, I am up to my neck in work and feel tence in work through the day. In addition, I need to make amicable relationships with my colleagues and bosses. Even before calling it a day, I feel utterly flat out and depressed. Thus, for a change of air, I invite my friends and family members to my home and eat dilicious foods. Amazingly, I instantly feel a sense of freedom from my stress-ridden routines and have time to recharge my batteries. As a further step, I do not worry about the following day when I have to return to the rat race. 설득력이 약합니다. 단순히 사람들이 스트레스를 많이 받는데 크게 파티를 열면 스트레스가 풀려서 좋다는 설명만으로는 "작은 모임보다 좋다"는 점을 드러내기 어렵습니다. 또한 논제에서 제시했듯 '축하를 위한' 모임이므로 스트레스가 풀린다는 설명은 논점이 맞지 않는 부분이 있습니다. 어떤 것이 더 축하하기에 좋은 방법인지를 설명해야 하지요. 논제에 대한 insight를 더 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 논지를 발전시켜주세요.
Secondly, I prefer to organize a large party because it enables us to build up friendly relationships with my friends and familes. The fast-evolving society promotes group competition throughout the society. As a consequence, there is often serious tension and anxiety in our relationships with friends as well as others. At this point, as a way of amelorating the relationships, we need to share the joys of life while making a big party and inviting my friends and familes. 마찬가지로 '축하하기 위한 자리'로서의 파티가 아니라 파티를 하면 좋은 점에 대해서만 설명하고 있기 때문에 논점이 맞지 않는 부분들이 생깁니다. body1한문단으로 합쳐주세요 In recent survey carried out by Oxford University, two-thirds the two thirds of respondents could form strong bonds with their friends by enjoying a exciting party together. With the help of the time, they can have spare time to discuss what had occured. They concluded that they can feel connection with thieir friends. 사례내용에서도 파티를 하면 좋은 점에 대해서만 서술되어 있습니다. 특히 작은 파티보다 큰 파티가 좋은 이유를 명확하게 보여주지 못하므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다.
As seen in the two reasons presented above, I strongly argue that it' it is very important to make a large party and invite best friends and families.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–17)
논제 내용을 정확하게 반영할 수 있도록 꼼꼼하게 확인해주세요. 파티를 하면 좋은 점에 대한 글은 부적절한 답변이 됩니다. '축하하기 위해서' 좋은 파티 규모에 대해 묻고 있으므로 이 부분에 유의하면서 답안을 구성해야 합니다. 모델에세이 내용을 응용하더라도 논제에 맞는 방향으로 적절하게 다듬지 않으면 off-topic이 되기 쉬우니 응용할 때 주의해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!