Being one of the best technological
feats of the 21st century, social networking service has obviously influenced man's living standards in many ways.
The litigious issue is frequently talked about. Unsurprisingly, people from
different walks of life put different interpretations on the same issue.
Logically, social media provides both positive effect
and negative impact; such as people are able to get along with
each other better than before, and negative impact
such as but human beings can get a
fear and horror.
One of the
key reasons is that people can spend time with each other more than before
because they talk and share their experiences through social networks. To
illustrate my point, when I was a junior high school student, I started
Facebook, which is one of the social
media in the 21st century, due to the attraction of it from my friend. (Facebook에 대한 설명을 따로 할 필요는 없어요. 그리고 due to the attraction이라는 표현이 어색하고 it이 지시하는게 Facebook인데 페이스북의 매력이 from friend라는 점도 어색한 표현입니다. 전반적인 문장의
표현을 바꾸는게 좋을 것 같아요.) I had few friends in reality. However, I met a host
of online users. (온라인 유저의 host라는 표현 역시 어색합니다. Host of online chat room 등의 표현을 써주셔야해요.) After that, we rapidly became rapidly close friends
by the chat-room and talked about our
daily lives that were related to happiness or personal relationship problems. Due to these facts, there is no doubt that
social media gives people a chance to
communicate effectively.
Another
important aspect of this is people who have a profit
on any social network service are able to get a fear because their almost daily activities are
revealed to others. (문장이 장황하고 의미전달이 clear하지 않습니다. 그리고 앞의 this가 무엇을 뜻하는지 확실하지 않기 때문에 소셜미디아라고
정확하게 써주는게 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 주절의 주어가 aspect이고
동사가 is이기 때문에 뒤의 문장은 that절로 쓰셔야 합니다. 대게 profit이란 단어는 금전적인 이익을 뜻할경우가 많습니다. Their almost daily activity라는 표현도 어순이 어색합니다.) In a recent research conducted by the Social
Habit by Edison Research, it stated that
58.2% of Twitter users didn't feel safe. This is because their small activities
and memorial or large events could be revealed showed
to different online users negatively. It
had a bad influence on many people, especially writers
writiers. This is not an isolated
incident, similar research was conducted in many other Asian countries such as
Japan and Taiwan and the results were similar for the same reasons. (예시는 한가지만 들어주셔도 됩니다. 다른 리서치에 대해서 쓰는 것 보다는 왜 writers에게 더 bad influence를 주는지 설명하는 편이 좋을 것 같아요.) In this sense, it is undeniable that social
network services can bring us negative impacts in terms of views.
In a word,
it is apparent for us to conclusively say that social networking service
provides both optimistic outcome such as people can get along with each
other better than before, and pessimistic influence such as human beings can
get a fear and horror. (both A and B 구문을 쓸 때 가능하다면 수식어구는 뒤로 빼주는 것이
좋습니다. 그냥 좋은점과 나쁜점이 있다고 쓴 후에 좋은 점은 어떤 것이고 나쁜점은 어떤것인지 설명해도
괜찮습니다.) However,
people must remember that everything is Janus-faced, so moderation should be practiced practised.
(에세이의 주장을 애매하게 할 수 있는 문장입니다. 이런것도 있고 저런것도 있다는 tone은 쓰지 않는게 좋아요.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (16-22)
어휘력은 좋은 것 같지만 문장의 clarity가 떨어집니다. 좀 더 간결하게 to the point로 문장을 쓰는편이 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 토플 에세이에서는 대게 찬반을 갈라서 한쪽의 주장을 들고 support하는 경우가 대부분이기 때문에 좋은점과 나쁜점을 한꺼번에 쓰는 것은 별로 추천하지는 않습니다. 가능한 찬성의 의견 또는 반대의 의견에 치중해서 strong한 argument를 만드는 것이 좋아요.
수고하셨습니다.