Some people might argue that it is better to do things quickly. However, contrary to this idea, I believe that doing things slowly have a positive influence on people. The fundamental reason behind this is that completing works slowly helps people to maintain their mental health and improve work efficiency.
First of all, doing things slowly
helps people relieve their stress. This is mainly because this method makes
people relax and clear the mind. Clearing the mind allows for people a
fresh approach to perplexing and stressful problems. Thus, people can are able to
have a belief brief
moment to escape from the harsh reality. (복잡한 문제에 대한 새로운 방안을 얻는 것이 현실로부터
도망가는 것은 아닌 것 같습니다. 새로운 방식으로 다시 심기일전을 할 수 있다는 내용이 좋을 것 같아요.) From my
experience, when I was in college, I used to complete my assignments and works quickly, which gave me a severe
tension and burden, and I was extremely exhausted and stressed. However, after I changed my mind, I did all things
slowly, which helped me more enjoyable and happy. As a result, I could learn
about the importance of life. (마음을 바꾼 것 보다는
천천히 해서 스트레스를 안받게 된것에 대해서 강조하는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.)
천천히 일을하는게 relieve하는 걸 도와준다기 보다 천천히 하면 스트레스를 덜 받고 일할 수 있다고 쓰는게 좋을 것 같습니다.
Moreover, completing works in a
short period of time has
have a negative impact on people`s work
efficiency. An important reason is doing things quickly forces people to make
mistake. What is more mroe, information acquired by
doing things quickly can readily be forgotten. However, doing things slowly can require people to use all five senses ranging from sight to touch, which can activate not only a
brain but also a body. (오감이라는 말 자체에 sight,touch가 들어가기 때문에 굳이 반복해서
말할필요는 없습니다.) Thus, such a lively liveyl experience will remain etched in mind.
According to the research conducted by Seoul National University in 2012, two
groups of students showed the difference in academic achievement. Students in
group A learned science scientific knowledge slowly, but those in group B learned it quickly. The result showed that the
former group performed better
in the exam higher than the latter
group.
Work efficiency는 일을 효과적으로 한다는 뜻이데 대게 빠른시간내에 한다던가 일을 많이 하지 않고도 큰 결과를 얻을 수 있다는 등의 표현으로 많이 쓰입니다. 단순히 기억을 오래한다는 것보다는 기억을 오래할 수 있어서 일을할 때 좀 더 효율적으로 빠르게 일할 수 있다는 등의 내용이 추가되는 게 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I
am convinced that doing things slowly is better. This is because this way of working to work
encourages people to keep their mental health and motivate things
better. (사람이 things(사물)을
motivate한다는 표현은 어색합니다.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
Body paragraph의 내용을 좀 더 디테일하게 support하는 것이 좋을 것 같습니다. Topic에 잘 연관시켜서 정확한 의미를 전달하다면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같아요. 그리고 주어와 동사의 관계에 관한 내용은 많이 좋아진 것 같습니다. 하지만 아직도 오타가 조금 남아있습니다. 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 오타확인을 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다.