Some people think that paying attention to health care issues is more
important than the issues of environment. They argue that it might be useless
to make the condition of environments better good if people have problem in their health.
However, contrary to this view, I think that the environmental issues have to
be positioned on top. This is because,
the condition of environments seriously affect a person's individual health and
also we have a duty to give our
environments to our descendants. (give보다 더 적절한 단어를 찾아보는 게 좋을 것 같습니다.)
To begin with, the condition of environments affect a person's health
condition. The reason is that we cannot live ourselves
without the environments. The food we eat, and the clothes we wear, and the houses we live in are all
made by using a parts of our environments. So, it can be critical problems
if the environments that we always use are polluted. For example, these days,
there are many oceans which are seriously damaged by people. In summer, people
go to the oceans for their vacation. They throw away a large sum of trash into
the ocean. Furthermore, there was an accident that an
oil tank was submerged into the ocean and the oil
splitted on the large surface of the ocean. These things resulted in polluting ocean, and it also makes fish live in the
ocean to be polluted, and this finally affect the people who eat the fish.
사실상 우리가 먹는 것, 입는 것, 사는 곳 모두가 environment에서 direct하게 온다고는 보기 어렵습니다. 이런 부분들은 우리의 삶이 environment에 많은 도움을 받고 있다는 등의 애매한 말로 쓰는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that,
the environments that we live in is actually not ours. We are living in the
earth which also have to be used by our future descendants. The innocent
descendants do not have to be harmed by the environments and they also possess
the right to live in good environments. However, many problems have already aroused already
because of the seriously polluted environments. For example, today in Japan,
many children were born borned with disability because of the polluted air
resulted from the atomic radiation. And the innocent children are sadly
struggling with the disabilities that were given
by the environments we made. (문단의 내용을 마무리 짓는 conclusion sentence를 쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.)
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited – Fair (13-20)
전반적으로 글쓴이의 의견이 명확하고, 이에 대한 논리적인 이유도 있는 것 같아서 좋습니다. 문장도 간결하고 정확하게 글쓴이의 의견을 표현 해 주고 있는 것 같습니다. 하지만, 문장이 너무 장황하게 연결됩니다. And를 통해서 너무 많은 내용을 이어 붙이려는 시도는 좋지 않아요. 다양한 표현을 활용해 볼 수 있도록 노력해 보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한, 내용을 항상 마무리 지어줄 수 있도록 시간적 여유를 만들어보면 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다.