Some people think that it is usually necessary to infringe upon
people's freedom because of specific reasons. However, in my opinion, the
freedom of all human beings cannot be threatened by any reasons. In a nation of
liberal democracy, the right to pursue the freedom as a human is protected
under the constitution, as well as and furthermore, infringing upon people's freedom
frequently even decreases the one’s ability to work.
To begin with, this era is evidently called the era of free
democracy. Almost all nations of the era guarantee the freedom of human beings
by the constitution. For example, there was is a poll conducted by the United Nations to
determine how much many nations of the whole world protect their citizens’ freedom. What is intriguing is that most
countries of the world have been guaranteed
the freedom. It reaches circa 90% of the whole world.
정확하게 이 문단을 통해서 주장하는 내용이 무엇인지를 정확하게 서술해 주시는 게 좋습니다. 대부분의 나라가 freedom을 constitution을 통해서 guarantee해주기 때문에, 우리는 어떤 상황에서도 개인의 자유를 침해할 권리가 없다는 것을 설명해주셔야 합니다.
Moreover, people under the regulation of freedom usually tend to work sloppier
more sloppy. A rigid and regulated
control to on
people may causes them to run away and be tired, not to be encouraged to work. For instance,
a research was conducted by the Ministry of Labor in Korea. The purpose of the
research was whether the regulations and the interruptions to the freedom in
work places affect the ability to work. The result was so interesting because
the rigid regulation overly decreases the efficiency of their workers interests under one thirds. This showed that excessive infringing infringement on
the freedom can cause the decrease in also the efficacy of the works.
자유를 침해하게 되면, 스스로 자율적으로 업무를 하는 것에 대한 interest를 잃게 되고 이로 인해 work efficiency가 줄어든다는 등의 세부적인 설명을 더 해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
To sum up with, people
think that it is sometimes necessary critical to control the freedom of people for the interests
of all, but in fact, it is protected by the constitution and even regulation can even
decrease the efficiency of the works. For these reasons, I think that the
liberty of people should be protected in any cases.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
서론과 결론이 매우 깔끔한 에세이 입니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 표현하고, 전개 해 주셨어요. 하지만 문법적으로 맞지 않는 부분들이 조금 있고, 내용이 탄탄하지 않은 것 같습니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 뒷받침 해줄 수 있도록 각 문단에서 서술하고 있는 내용에 디테일을 추가해 보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 그러한 주장을 하는 이유에 대한 설명을 명확하게 해 주셔야 합니다. 조금만 수정하면 훨씬 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.