Some people say that the best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. I disagree with the idea that traveling with a tour guide is the best way to enjoy traveling. First, I can learn foreign cultures and enjoy activities when I travel by myself. Second, I have to follow travel policy and routes by participating a traveling group.
More than anything else, traveling on my own makes me to enjoy traveling
more. Some people may like to be guided by experts when they go to unfamiliar places. However, let me give you an
example to prove why visiting other countries without a tour guide is better.
When I was a university students, I planned to
travel to some countries in Africa in order to help the poor in there. I searched the Internet to gain more
information about Africa, because it was is unfamiliar place for me. During my research, I
found that African people were suffering from starvation and various diseases.
Most children were forced to work under brutal conditions and had no access to any form of education. So, I prepared
a pencils and notebooks for African children and practiced some games and
activities with which African children can
enjoy, before going to Africa continents.
While staying there, I could enjoy a variety of
activities with children and give presents for to them. I was
very happy when I saw children's faces with big smile. If I had not prepared my
own travel, I would not have great time in Africa. This shows that preparing my
own travel makes my visiting more enjoyable.
글쓴이의 주장에 대한 support가 부족합니다. 단순히 research를 통해서 Africa 사람들의 상황에 대해서 배웠다는 점이 글쓴이의 travel을 기쁘게 해줬다는 설명이 될 수는 없습니다. 스스로 준비를 하면서 많이 힘들었기 때문에, 실제로 여행을 가서도 더 많은 것을 해주기 위해서 노력할 수 있었고, 더 즐거운 여행을 할 수 있었다는 등의 내용으로 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한, Africa travel 준비과정에 대한 설명이 너무 많습니다. 조금 줄여보세요.
Furthermore, when I travel with other group members, I have to follow the
routes that a tour guide prepares for whole group members. My personal
experience demonstrates why a travel led by a tour guide is not the best way to
enjoy traveling. Last year, I planned to go to
Japan for summer vacation. I decided to participate in a group tour since I
didn't have enough time to buy flight tickets and to search the tour routes.
There were various members in tour group from a school child to a 60 years old
man. At first day of travel, most of members wanted to visit the Tokyo tower,
which is famous landmark in Japan. However, the old members refused to go there
because of hot weather. Finally, we had to separate group members into two
groups and felt distant from one another. The more time we travel, the worse our
relation became. Besides, I suggested to visit
vising the most famous temple in Tokyo, but a
tour guide denied to go there because of his religion. Finally, I was really
disappointed with the tour. It was the worst tour I have ever experienced. This
demonstrates that to travel with group members is not a good idea to enjoy foreign cultures.
In conclusion, I disagree with that the best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide for the reasons I have mentioned above. First, traveling on my own makes me to enjoy traveling more. Second, I have to follow the routes that a tour guide prepares for whole group members when I travel with other group members.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
글쓴이의 주장도 명확하고, 주장에 대한 뒷받침하는 근거도 논리적입니다. 주어진 토픽을 정확하게 이해하고 brainstorming을 해 주신 것 같아서 좋아요. 문장을 쓰면서 글쓴이의 의견을 정확하게 표현하고 있다는 점도 매우 좋은 것 같습니다. 하지만 에세이가 전반적으로 불필요할 정도로 긴 편 입니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 support하는 데 꼭 필요한 내용이 아니라면 굳이 쓸 필요가 없을 것 같아요. 좀 더 간결하게 에세이를 쓴다면 훨씬 좋은 에세이가 될 수 있을 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다.