A lot of controversies exists over whether the purpose of
television should only be for education, nor for entertainment. But (but으로 문장을 시작하시는 건 가급적 피해주세요. However 등의 단어를 사용해주세요) I believe that it is wrong
to discriminate between educational programs and entertainment programs,
because I think that every genres of TV program has it's own special values and
because it doesn't necessarily mean that one cannot learn lesson from
entertainment programs.
To begin with, I strongly
believe that every genres of TV programs have it's own intrinsic values,
and therefore it is wrong to diminish (올바른 단어선택이 아닌 것 같아요. Diminish는 줄인다는 뜻을 가지고 있습니다) another genres besides education programs because laughing and having
fun watching entertainment programs doesn't mean it is less valuable than education program. For
example, Let's assume that the world without entertainment programs, but only with education programs.
People will be starting start to lose laughters and will be getting get more depressed and getting more
serious and serious about all matters. And Furthermore, people will lose
meanings of their life. Laughter, which makes us more relaxed, is essential part of life which makes us more relax. If we can't relax, we will go crazy. I believe laughter can
make you us happy.
Secondly, I think whether
one can learn anything from television programs education programs or
entertainment programs depends on oneself one himself, not just some TV programs. This is because (뒤의 문장은 이유에 대한 뒷받침하는 예시인데 this is
because 보다는 for example, 등으로 문장을 시작하는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요)my dream is to be an comedy program producer, and when I watch
famous entertainment program for example, 'Muhan Dojeon', it's like I'm
studying while I'm watching entertainment programs. What I mean by this is, that education programs and entertainment programs are is inseparable to me. When I
watch 'Muhan Dojeon' I simultaneously analyzing analyze the structure of the narrative and and mechanisms that induce
laughing, what makes it so funny. And after I analyze analyzing it, I go to my study and document
every impression (의미전달이 명확하지 않아요) I made while I'm watching 'Muhan Dojeon'. Therefore I can say that watching entertainment
programs is a part of studying, and helping me to become a comedy program
producer.
In conclusion, I believe
that it is not right to make distinctions between education programs and
entertainment program because I think every genre of TV program is valuable and
also I learn valuable lessons from entertainment programs.
전반적인 에세이의 흐름은 좋은 것 같아요. 하지만
다시한번 proof reading을 하면서 문법적인 부분을 신경 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 의견에 대한 이유나 예시들도 잘 들어주셨지만 문법적으로 어색한 문장들이 많아서 좀 더 clear 하게 글쓴이의 의견이 표현되지 않는 것 같아요.