Nowadays, most (정확한 %를 알고 뒷받침 해주실 수 있으시면 most(거의 모든)를 쓰셔도 되는데, 주로 이렇지 못 하니까 many(많은)을 쓰는것이 더 안정적입니다.) people look for ways to be happy. A large number of people say that people’s job will determine their happiness because they [work for their jobs every day.] (spend many hours at work daily) *job라는 단어를 반복적으로 사용 하는것을 방지 하기 위해서 바바꿔 봤습니다. Contrary to popular belief, I think that one’s social life affects one’s overall happiness the most for two reasons: people feel happy when they meet other people, and taking part in a society gives people satisfaction.
To begin with, talking with others can make people feel better. To be specific, people can relieve stress by talking to other people about various things (topics. general한 표현들을 사용하지 않는 것이 좋습니다) such as their difficulties. Not only does talking to other people make them feel better, but also people can find good solutions for their difficulties. These things cannot be done when people work for their job. For example, my uncle works for a company which holds many workers. Even though he is not fond of the work he is doing, but he really loves the time after the work when he can have a conversations with that many his coworkers. Since he could relieve the stress from hard work by being in a society community(사회 -> 공동체. ), he feels much happier than any other time before the conversations (그 어느 때 보다 더-> 대화를 하기 전보다). Without time with other people, my uncle could have suffered from the hard work that he had to do. This implies that a social life is important in one’s happiness.
In addition, having a part in a society can give people a big pleasure. This is because humans are social animals, which means that they have to be in a society to feel alive. Therefore, people who are stuck in their houses and do not meet other people usually feel sadness, loneliness, or depression. According to the a research done by Seoul National University in 2011, there was a huge difference between two groups of students. Students in group A studied and spent time alone, while students in group B did such things(acitivities, 앞서 설명했던 general한 것보다 더 specific한 표현을 쓰시는게 좋습니다) with others. The result showed that students in group B were more gratified with their lives, and showing showed better results in tests. This shows that a social life gives has an important influence to on people.
In conclusion, a social life allows people to talk with others which can relieve stress, and they can feel satisfaction by being in a society. For these reasons, I firmly believe that the influences from a social life is more critical than that from a job.
전체적으로 흐름이나 구조는 안정적이여서 문법에 조금더 신경 써주시면 좋은 에쎄이가 완성 될 것 같습니다.