▶ Your Answer :
If I have a chance to make new friends, I would like to have friends who have good sense of humor ample humorous skills (다양한 어휘를 사용하시려고 한 노력은 좋지만, 어색한 표현이니, 최대한 간결한 형태를 유지해주세요). Other people think reliable or intelligent friends are much better. However, I firmly believe that having friends who have a sense of humor has a lot of beneficial effect benefits. This is because first, they can help me to relieve mental stress, second I can learn how to socialize with new people This is because not only can they help me relieve stress, but also can help me learn how to socialize with new people ("첫번째", "두번째" 라는 식보다는 "not only~but also"라는 구조가 더 자연스러울 것 같아 수정하였습니다).
토플 라이팅의 기본적인 구조에 대해서 아주 잘 알고 계신 것 같네요~ 다만, 굳이 너무 어려운 어휘나 문장 구조를 사용하려고 노력하시지 않아도 됩니다. 최대한 핵심내용을 간결하고 명학하게 전달하는데 초점을 맞춰주세요~
First of all, I want to have friends who have a sense of humor because he or she they can help me to relieve mental ("stress"라는 자체가 "mental pressure"를 뜻합니다) stress and to take a rest. To be specific, since they are able to give fun stories and a lot of jokes whenever I was am depressed or get stressed, I can easily relieve my mental stress and to have refreshing time. Stress is the main cause of diseases, short life span, and dissatisfying life. Especially, as competition in a society is drastically increasing, people are more likely to get mental stressed. (부연 설명이 좋기는 하지만, 너무 장황하고 깊게 간 것 같네요. 주어진 내용 안에서 확장시켜 서술하세요) Thus, it is essential for today`s people to find a way to relieve stress, and I personally want to have humorous friends. For example, when I was younger, I had a very hard time due to too much homework. At this time, a friend of mine was really helpful for me to forget all stressful aspect of my day because he often told me a lot of funny stories while we were at school. Therefore, I want to have a friend who has a sense of humor.
주장과 예시를 아주 적절하게 잘 써주셨어요. 개인적인 경험을 토대로 서술해주셔서 더 신빙성 잇고 설득력 있는 것 같아요. 다만, 설명하실 때 가급적이면 길고 복잡한 문장 구조는 피해주세요. 또 같은 내용을 너무 반복하는 것보다는 핵심 내용에서 확장시켜 서술해주시면 더욱 좋을 것 같네요~
Second, I am interested in having humorous friends because I can learn how to socialize with new people. One of the effective methods in order to get getting along with new people or socialize with them is to have a sense of humor because humor can make people relax and provide many topics for conversation. Thus, if I have humorous friends, I am able to can hear a lot of funny stories and jokes from them, and consequently I can improve my humor skills greatly and can be a humorous person just like them. Therefore, it will be really helpful for me whenever I meet new people. To illustrate, when I was in high school, I had a friend who was very humorous. So, I could retain many funny and interesting stories, which were very helpful for me when I joined clubs in university as a freshman. I could easily adapt and socialize with new people due to my funny stories unlike other freshmen. Therefore, I believe having humorous friends is much more beneficial for me.
먼저, 주장과 부연설명에는 큰 문제가 없습니다. 다만 사용해주신 예시가 또 개인적인 사례를 토대로 한 것이라 예시의 다양성이 부족한 것 같아요. 일반 지식이라던지 연구 결과라던지 조금 더 탄탄한 예시를 써주시면 좋을 것 같네요~
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget.
"~언급한 것처럼"과 같은 표현은 되도록 사용하지 마시고 일일이 나열해주시는 것이 좋습니다. Conclusion paragraph에서 가장 중요한 것은 전체 글의 요약과 주장의 재강조이니, 같은 내용이라도 다른 말로 바꾸어 설명해주시는 것이 좋습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
부연 설명을 굉장히 디테일하게 잘 써주셨어요. 다만, 전반적으로 아이디어는 좋으신데, 글 구조나 어휘가 복잡하여 내용 전달력을 오히려 떨어트릴 수 있어요 ㅠㅠ d예시의 다양성에도 좀 신경 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
3.75/5 -> 24/30
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