A teacher’s ability to relate well to students is more important than his or her ability to impart knowledge
A large number of people might argue that a teacher’s capacity to teach about knowledge is more essential for students than the teacher's socializing skills (socializing skill이라는 건 사교성, 친화력인데, 주제에서 나온 relate well이라는 건 학생들의 입장을 이해하고 공감할 수 있는 것을 말합니다. 조금 의미가 달라요~ 뒤에 본문에서도 socialize하는 내용을 쓰셨는데, relate to의 뜻을 체크하고 고쳐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다). This is because students can learn a lot of knowledge if teachers are good at giving knowledge. However, I believe that teachers’ ability to mingle with students is more important factor for two reasons; first, it can improve to increase students’ academic performance; second, it and to builds a tighter relationship between teachers and students.
First of all, when a teacher socializes well with students, they can improve their performances. This is due to the fact that teachers who are good at relating to students can provide students comfortable atmosphere, with students and it can serve as one of the key motivators for them to perform better and improve themselves. With such motivation, they will put more effort, concentrate better on their tasks, and feel more responsible for their work. According to a research conducted by the Ministry of Education, there was a huge difference between two different groups of students in their achievement. Students in is Group A spent time with a teacher who was were good at relating to students, and those in Group B studied with a teacher who was not so understanding of students but was were good at sharing knowledge. The researchers observed showed that the former group spent more hours studying by 25 percent and performed better higher than the latter group. In particular, the students in Group A followed instructions, submitted assignments on time, and participated actively in group meetings. On the other hand, those in Group B dozed off and lacked focus while studying. It indicates that a teachers who were are excellent at relating skills encourage students to put much has a direct correlation with the amount of effort and energy into studying. (적절한 예시 좋았습니다. 디테일하게 써주셔서 좋아요)
In addition, through a teacher’s socializing skill, students can have an opportunity to learn to build a stronger relationship with others.(인트로에서 언급한 이유와는 조금 방향이 달라진 것 같네요. 위에서 쓰신 내용과 여기에 쓰신 내용을 통일시켜주시길 바랍니다!) It is undeniable fact that a teacher who is equipped with socializing skills tend to teach students them social skills that a teacher has by telling them about her experience. It can offer a comfortable atmosphere in which student can bond and have a good time with loved ones. Through this teaching, students they can learn to be easily connected to among other people. For example, when I first met my classmates, I was very shy and could not mingle with them well. However, after learning how to enjoy with others from to a English teacher in class, I could not only helped me to relax but became more sociable so that I could provided chances to mingle with my classmates. To be specific, we bonded by sharing happiness and sorrows. Such learning easily opened up my heart to others. (예시가 조금 추상적인 느낌이에요. 구체적으로 영어 선생님이 어떤 것을 가르쳤는지, 어떻게 가르쳤는지에 중점을 두어 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In conclusion brief, although many teachers with knowledge help students gain knowledge, the benefit of a teacher’s ability to relate well to students far outweighs that of the ability to share knowledge, for the reasons I have mentioned above. (문장이 조금 긴 편이기 때문에 마지막에 for the reasons~부분을 독립 문장으로 만들어주셔도 좋을 것 같습니다~) All in all, this trend will continue for the next generation.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair~good (18~25)
총평
1. 매우 길고 구체적으로 잘 써주셨습니다. 길이가 제일 중요한 요소는 아니지만, 이왕이면 길이가 어느 정도 긴 것이 점수 받는데에 유리할 수 있기 때문에 디테일을 많이 넣어 길게 만들어주는 것은 좋아요^^ 전반적으로 글의 구성이나 흐름 괜찮은 편이라고 생각합니다.
2. 두 번째 본문 문단이 약간 아쉬운 부분입니다. 두 번째 이유가 인트로에 나온 이유와는 다르고, 또 예시가 조금 설득력이 떨어지는 것 같아요. 위에 말씀드린 것 처럼 좀 더 초점을 두어야 하는 부분에 설명을 더 하여 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
3. 문법 오류가 조금 많습니다. 정말 사소한 오류도 조금 보이구요. 이러한 오류는 많으면 많을수록 점수에 영향을 미치기 때문에 항상 꼼꼼하게 검토하는 습관을 들이시길 바랍니다.
수고 많으셨습니다 :)