A teacher’s ability to relate well to students is more important than his or her ability to impart knowledge
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
A large number of people might argue that a teacher’s capacity to teach about knowledge is more essential for students than socializing skills. This is because students can learn a lot of knowledge if teachers are good at giving knowledge. However, I believe that teachers’ ability to mingle with students is more important factor for two reasons; to increase students’ academic performance and to build a tighter relationship between teachers and students. 선생님과 학생이 관계를 잘 맺으면 좋은 점을 나열하는 부분이므로 "선생님과 학생들의 관계가 좋아진다"라는 idea는 어색합니다. 아래 body2에서 제시한 것처럼 "학생들이 다른 사람들과의 관계도 잘 맺게 된다"거나 "social skill을 따라 배운다"하는 식으로 정리해주세요.
First of all, when a teacher socializes well with students they can improve their (academic) performances. This is due to the fact that teachers who are good at relating to students can provide comfortable atmosphere with for students and it can serve as one of the key motivators for them to perform better and improve themselves. * A에게 B를 제공하다: provide A with B / provide B for[to] A With such motivation, they will put more effort, concentrate better on their tasks, and feel more responsible for their work. 선생님과 관계를 잘 쌓으면 공부하기에 편안한 분위기가 되고, 이것이 동기부여가 되어 학업성적에 좋은 영향을 미친다는 단계적 흐름이 잘 드러나 있습니다. 모델에세이 내용을 적용하신 부분도 좋지만 선생님과 친밀한 관계가 되면 기대에 부응하거나 잘 보이고자 하는 마음이 성적에도 영향을 미치는 동기가 된다는 식으로 논리 흐름을 생각해보시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. According to a research conducted by the Ministry of Education, there was a huge difference between two groups of students in their achievement. Students is Group A spent time with a teacher who were good at relating to students and those in Group B studied with a teacher who were good at sharing knowledge. The researchers showed that the former group spent more hours studying by 25 percent and performed higher than the latter group. In particular, the students in Group A followed instructions, submitted assignments on time, and participated actively in group meetings. On the other hand, those in Group B dozed off and lacked focus while studying. It indicates that a teachers were who are excellent at have excellent relating skills have has a direct correlation with the students' amount of effort and energy into studying. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In addition, through a teacher’s socializing skill, students can have opportunity to learn to build a stronger relationship with others. It is an undeniable deniable fact that a teacher equipped with socializing skills tend to teach them social skills than that a teacher has by just telling about her experience. It can offer a comfortable atmosphere in which students student can bond with others and have a good time with loved ones. Through this teaching, they can be easily connected among other people. 아이들이 보고 배운다는 점을 풀어서 설명한 부분이 좋습니다. 더 구체적으로 아이들이 선생님과의 관계에서 어떻게 social skill을 배우게 되는지, 이것이 왜 중요한지를 강조하는 형태로 논리를 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when I first met my classmates, I was very shy and could not mingle with them well. However, learning how to enjoy with others from my to a English teacher in class not only helped me to relax but provided chances to mingle with my classmates. To be specific, we bonded by sharing and sorrows. Such learning easily opened up my heart to others. 단순히 영어선생님 덕분에 친구 사귀는 법을 배웠다는 설명이 아니라 "선생님이 학생들과 잘 지내는 선생님이어서" social skill을 배울 수 있었다는 흐름이 되는 것이 좋습니다. 선생님을 통해 어떻게 social skill을 배웠는지 설명을 보완해주시고, 이 사례가 주장과 관련해 infer하는 내용을 정리해서 body1처럼 마무리해주세요.
In brief, although many teachers with knowledge help students gain knowledge, the benefit benefits of a teacher’s ability to relate well to students far outweigh those that of ability to share knowledge for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, this trend will continue for the next generation.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
기존의 모델에세이 내용을 적절하게 활용한 body1에 비해 body2의 경우 연결고리가 부족한 부분들이나 문법표현이 어색한 부분들이 많아 감점요인이 많을 것 같아요. 두 body의 분량이 비슷하게 구성될 수 있도록 보완해주시고 특히 관계대명사로 수식하는 부분이나 수일치 표현에서 문법오류가 많은 편이니 유의하면서 작성해주세요^^ 모델에세이를 참고하면서 main idea문장/ 그에 대한 설명 3-5문장 정도 / 관련 사례 3-5문장 정도의 기준을 정해두고 시간배분 하시면서 간결한 <단계적 설명>에 초점을 둔다면 자체적으로 문단을 만들 때에도 좀 더 쉽게 느껴지실 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!