In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.
Some people think that there will be more and more cars on the street. However, in my opinion, in twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today. This is because the thoughts concept of people in these days are changing, and people they found a lot benefits by not using cars. (이 부분이 결국 뒤에 본문 문단에서는 첫 문장이 되어야 합니다. (topic sentence) 그런데 뒤에 보면 여기서 나온 내용이랑 조금 다르고, 또 순서도 반대로 되었어요. 인트로에서 나온 순서대로 본문 문단을 써주시고, 또 여기서 말한 문장과 본문에서 나오는 문장을 통일되게 써주세요. (concept of people these days are changing이라고 해주셨는데, 두 번째 본문 문단에서는 concept of owning a car is changing이라고 차 소유에 대한 내용을 써주셨습니다. 둘은 확연히 다른 내용이기 때문에 채점관이 읽다가 혼란이 올 수도 있어요. 둘 내용을 같게 고쳐주세요~))
To begin with, people found out that there are more disadvantages of driving to drive a car than advantages. In these days, people they are complaining a lot about traffic jam and air pollution. Moreover, it is difficult to find parking place because of the limited space in the city. More and more people get stressed about driving a car, and thus, many people started to look for alternative transportations. As a result, bicycle is getting popular today, and you can easily find that a lot of people are bicycling in the morning to get to work instead of driving a car. According to a recent research, the number of bicycle users is (the number of ~다음에는 단수가 나옵니다; a number of bicycle users 같은 경우에는 다음에 복수가 나오구요) are increasing every year by more than five percent in Korea. (This shows that~하고 결론지어주는 마무리 문장이 있으면 더 좋을 것 같네요)
On top of that, the concept of owning a car is changing these those days. In the past days, owning a car was a symbol of wealth because not many people could afford it. However, people have become wealthier than before, and many people care more about concentrate on the quality of their lives. Moreover, there are so many convenient transportations available in these days. In the recent research from Korea University, more than half of students answered that they would rather save money than buy a car and invest money on something more meaningful. This is a drastic change from the students in twenty years ago when the owning a car was a symbol of successful life. This research shows that young people's concept is changing, and there will be less and less cars in use in the future. (뒷받침 예시도 적절하고, 마무리 문장도 좋아요^^)
To sum up, alternative transpotations are getting popular, and young people do not prefer to own a car. In this regard(s), I think that in twenty years, there will be less cars on the street than these days.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Good (20~25)
총평:
1. 잘 써주셨습니다. 특히 본문에서 뒷받침 예시나 설명은 적절하고 충분한 양이었던 것 같습니다. 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 첫 번째 본문 문단에 예시 결론을 추가해주시면 더더욱 좋을 것 같아요~
2. 위에서 언급했지만, 인트로에서 써주신대로 그대로 밑에 본문에서도 써주셔야합니다. 내용과 순서가 같게요. 그렇지 않으면 읽다가 혼란이 올 수도 있는데, 빠르게 훑고 채점을 해야하는 채점관이 혼란을 느낀다면 좋은 점수를 받기 어렵죠. 때문에 위 아래를 통일시켜주세요. 이 경우에는 본문 topic sentence들이 괜찮기 때문에 인트로에서 언급한 부분을 고쳐주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다^^
3. 문법 오류가 조금 보였습니다. 신경써주시길 바랍니다~
수고많으셨습니다 :)