Television advertisement directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Many studies have shown that television advertising affects people's behavior more than we expect. An ongoing debate exists on whether television advertising especially to children under the age of five should be allowed or not. Regarding this controversial issue, I strongly support that television advertisement should be prohibited, if it directed toward children under the age of five. The reason behind this is that television advertising can put children in dangerous situation. Additionally, television advertisement makes children and parents waste the money.
First of all, television advertisement can lead children to be put in danger. This is because children, especially under the age of five, are too immature to tell the reality from the visionary situation. On the other hand, producers who make television commercials strive to attract children's attention and make them get engrossed in characters in advertisements in order to make more profits. Children who become an avid fan of products result in following the style of the products even if it is obviously dangerous. 판단력이 부족한 아이들이 과장된 광고를 무비판적으로 따라할 수 있고 이것이 위험할 수도 있다는 idea는 아주 적절합니다. 이에 대한 설명도 구체적으로 잘 제시되어 있습니다. For instance, last month, I read newspapers reported one boy who fell from the second floor of the apartment. He wanted to follow the superman as the television advertisement showed so he wore the superman suit. 문단에서 강조해야 하는 부분은 아이들이 무비판적으로 광고를 수용하고 받아들였다는 점이므로 <TV광고 속의 슈퍼맨이 '나는 모습'을 보고 -> 현실감각이 없는 아이는 자신도 따라할 수 있을 것으로 착각하고 따라했다가 위험에 빠졌다>하는 연결고리 부분을 구체적으로 보완해주세요. 사례의 내용 방향 자체는 아주 좋습니다. It caused him to get broken his leg and arm. As this accident appeals, the detrimental influence of television advertisement on children should be taken more seriously.
Furthermore, television advertisement makes children and parents lavish the money. It is impossible for children under the age of five to care about whether this product is really necessary for them. The only thing they do is that they just to want to get products that they see in the television advertisement. Consequently, most parents can not bear children's constant asking for buying them, but their interest probably does do not last long. 아이들이 갖고 싶어하고 부모가 이를 사주게 된다는 내용은 적절합니다. 이 부분에서 '돈이 낭비된다'하는 부분을 더 clear하게 보여준다면 좋겠습니다. 아이들의 흥미가 오래 가지 않기 때문에 이러한 상황이 반복된다.하는 정도로만 덧붙여줘도 좋을 것 같아요. idea와 설명들이 적절하게 잘 제시되어 있습니다^^ From my own experience, I know a the boy who always asks his parents to buy new fancy character toys advertised in commercials. His parents refuse to purchase his all requests at the first time but not too long, they always buy them after all. The problem is that such toys he get to obtain go back to the storage very soon and their parents become frustrated. If had not been for advertisements in on the television, he and his parents would not waste much money. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다.
In a nutshell, I have no doubt that television advertisement for children should be banned to make and show targeting to children under the age of five. This is because it can cause the danger injury to children who follow commercials. What's more, television advertisement makes people waste money on buying useless toys.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 good level 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 사례 부분에서 연결고리가 부족한 부분들만 코멘트 참고하셔서 보완해주세요. 글을 작성할 때 마지막에 문법 실수들을 체크할 시간 여유를 가질 수 있게끔 조절하면서 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!