▶ Your Answer :
A though-provoking thought-provoking current issues concerns whether
movie and television should only have good messages. have only a good message. Some people say that
movies and television always show audience moral messages that it is inevitable for good
people to get a reward and for bad people to be punished. It is therefore
timely to consider the validity of this idea. For the following reasons, I
think movies or television programs should be allowed to air uncensored, independent stories. that it should be allowed to make any movie or TV independent their
story. 먼저, introductino paragraph의 도입 부분이나 영어 표현은 아주 자연스럽고 좋습니다. Introduction paragraph에서 제일 중요한 부분은 thesis statement (주제/주장 제시, 근거 나열)인데요, 근거 나열 부분에서 "for the following reasons"라고 언급만 하셨지 구체적으로 근거들을 나열해주시지 않으셨어요ㅠㅠ 반드시 하나 하나 구체적으로 설명해주셔야 하니, 참고해주세요~
To begin with, the person who makes a movie
or television program movie or TV show producers should be able to produce what they want to. What I mean is that all
people have Everyone has the right to do something they want to. Thus, it is should be allowed for
them to show audience the world where they want to depict without any interference even if they might reflect false messages. disturb even
though those of movie or TV say bad people get to have something good. There is
a great example for this. A Korea movie, “The ban” has the a character who is really
bad for to other people. He often murders other people and sometimes good people
in the movie are killed by him. However, the director who makes the movie wants
to depict the underworld where common people don’t know. Like this case, the movie
made by the director who is enthusiastic for making new world should be
considered like art. Therefore, people should be allowed to make any movie or TV show. it should be allowed for people to make any
movie or TV. Body paragraph의 전반적인 구조와 형식 모두 좋습니다. 제시해주신 예시도 적절합니다. 다만, 자유롭게 영화나 티비 쇼를 만드는 것이 하나의 "예술"이라는 것에 대해 더 부연 설명을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 예시를 제시해주신 후에 부연 설명을 충분히 해주셔서 주제와 연관성 있는 논리적 연결에 신경 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요.
Second, choosing which movie or TV people
watch is also the right of person. Putting differently, if people have to watch
movie or TV having the similar conclusion, it is certainly boring for people.
Thus, the programs which have diverse range of conclusion should be made for
the right of the people. For example, movies with the movie which have reverse conclusion conclusions that people cannot predict is more popular than the movie which those that can be predicted easily.
So, if movie movies or TV shows should show audience that good people will always success in
any circumstance, the autience don’t like that. Therefore, movie or TV can have
sometimes reverse conclusion although it has a bad idea. 이 body paragraph에서는 참신하게, 시청자의 입장에서 대변해주셨는데요. 의도는 좋지만, 약간 off-topic한 감이 있습니다. 주어진 논제는 검열되지 않는 내용을 방영하느냐 마느냐가 아니라, 영화나 티비 쇼가 권선징악의 내용을 반드시 전달해야하느냐 인 것을 잊지마세요~ 조금 넓게 생각하셨는데요, 근거에 대해 설명하시기 전에 논제를 다시 한번 읽어주시는 습관을 들이신다면 실수를 줄이실 수 있을거에요~
To conclude, I strongly believe that TV shows or
movie movies have to be able to include the conclusion in terms of bad thing even
though good people cannot get a reward should include a variety of contents even those ones without happy endings. This is That is because people the persons who make a
movie or TV program have the right to make what they want to and the audience also have the right to enjoy any type of stories they want. audience might
hate the program which have the similar conclusion. Conclusion paragraph의 중요한 내용을 모두 다 잘 써주셨습니다. Thesis statement를 재강조하는 부분도 깔끔하게 잘 써주셨습니다. 구절이나 단어들이 반복되지 않게 좀 더 다양한 어휘를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같네요
주어진 논제를 잘 이해하시고 그에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 정리해주셨습니다. 문장 구조와 단어 선택도 간결하여 이해하기도 쉽습니다. 다만 꼭! 신경써주셔야 하는 부분은 thesis statement와 예시의 다양성입니다. 먼저, thesis statement를 잘 세워야, 글의 완성도가 높아질 수 있습니다. 예시는 다양하고 부연 설명이 많을수록 근거를 탄탄히 할 수 있습니다. 문법 상으로는, 주어/목적어/동사의 위치를 명확히 하여 전달하려는 내용을 더 정리해서 쓰시면 될 것 같습니다. 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score: 3.5/5 -> 22/30 |