Children should be required to help with household tasks as soon as they are able to do so.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been an ongoing debate about giving children some chores to do at in their household. Some people think that the children need to play and study rather than arranging dishes. However, I firmly believe that household chores can and be effective for children's growth. The reasoning behind this is that children can learn how to organize things and also have some responsibility about the work.
To begin with, children can learn how to organize, not only the work but also their time through doing household chores. Inevitablely, when they do the chores that they are given, they learn how to organize their work. 집안일을 도우는 과정에서 어떻게 organize work하는 법을 배우는지를 설명하는 부분이 중요합니다. '배울 수밖에 없다'라는 피상적인 표현보다 구체적으로 어떻게, 어떤 식으로 배우게 되는지를 설명해주세요. 여러 가지 일들 중에 어떤 일을 먼저 하면 효율적일지 정하고 어떤 식으로 시간을 적게 들여서 일을 잘 마무리하는지를 터득한다, 하는 식의 표현도 생각해볼 수 있지요. This organization skills can be helpful help later on when doing bigger assignments. More importantly, children can learn to save time as they have to manage both their work and school works. In the beginning, the children might struggle to juggle both of the work. Nevertheless, they will get used to the work soon enough and be a better person. 처음엔 힘들게 느끼겠지만 점점 적응할 것이라는 내용은 불필요한 사족에 해당합니다. 집안일을 도우면서 어떻게 시간과 업무를 관리하는 법을 배우는지, 이것이 왜 중요한지만 설명할 수 있으면 됩니다. For example, when my sister was given a chore when she was old enough, first, it was hard for her. For her, washing dishes took so much time and it almost looked impractical to have her do that work. But as the time went goes along, she got used to it and now she does better job than my mother. The chores gave her the organization skill to organize her work and time. 마찬가지로 동생이 처음엔 힘들어하다가 나중엔 적응했다는 점은 중요한 point가 아닙니다. 처음엔 어려워하다가 점점 organize하는 법을 익히면서 적응해나갔다, 하는 식으로 강조해야 할 부분들을 명확하게 해주세요. 특히 어떤 식으로 organize하는 법을 배웠는지를 한 문장 정도로 적절하게 보완해주는 것이 좋습니다.
On top of that, children can learn about responsibility. With given chores, they will have a clear image of the things they have to do. When they are young, they don't have a clear image of being responsible for something. some thing. They develop a sense of responsibility in completing assigned chores. In addition, as they will gain trust from their parents when they do better at their works, they will get bigger responsibility in the household. 집안일을 도우면서 책임감을 기를 수 있다는 idea가 적절합니다. 설명 과정에서도 <해야 할 일의 image가 생긴다>라는 부분에 초점을 두기보다 이런 것들이 모두 <어떻게 책임감이 길러지는지, 책임감을 길러주는 것이 얼마나 중요한지>를 강조할 수 있게끔 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. Walking and feeding their pets, for example, is one of the important activities that can develop a sense of responsibility. Most of the parents assign their children to take care of the pets. As children get involved in taking care of their pets, they can grow affection towards them or certain responsibility which is good goood for the growth of the children. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In conclusion, I think parents should give their children household chores to do when they are old enough. The rationale behind this is that children will grow their organization skills and responsibility.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 idea들이 모두 적절하게 잘 제시되어 있습니다. main idea에 대해 설명하는 과정에서 논점이 어긋나거나 불필요한 사족이 흐름을 방해하지 않도록 글을 한 번 더 정돈하는 작업을 해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 기본적인 내용 흐름을 잘 잡아두셨기 때문에 논리적인 부분이나 표현 면에서 좀 더 improve된다면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!