Eating homemade food is better than eating out at restaurants or food stands.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As reataurant businesses are thriving on the street, it is very convienient to eat outside at restaurants or food stands. Many people are keen of this new trend because they can save time as well as and enjoy the good taste. However, in contrary to today's trend, I prefer to make homemade food and share them with my family. The rationale behind this is that the food is made with better ingredients and in better condition. In addition, homemade food can raise affection between family members.
First, 문단의 중심내용을 가장 먼저 소개하는 두괄식문형에 맞게 다듬어주세요. 집에서 요리하면 음식이 신선한 재료와 깨끗한 도구로 만들어진다는 점은 '부연설명'에 해당하는 내용이고, 문단의 중심내용은 그를 통해 결과적으로 오는 이점-더 건강한 음식을 먹을 수 있어 좋다-이 되는 편이 더 적절합니다. foods are made with fresh ingredients and clean tools when we cook at home. It will be more healthy since it is for the family and family want the best for others. other. Also, the ingredients are more fresh since family usually buys buy them in small proportion and use them it all that day. In general, there are no leftover ingredients while at restaurants, restaurant, we don't know what is behind the kitchen door. 설득을 위한 글이므로 피상적이거나 명확하지 않은 설명은 피하는 것이 좋습니다. 레스토랑은 뒤에서 뭐가 있을지 모른다, 하는 표현보다 대량으로 구매해서 신선하지 않은 재료가 섞여 있을 가능성이 많고 오래 두고 사용한다는 점도 신선도에 영향을 준다, 하는 식으로 구체적으로 표현하는 편이 더 좋겠지요. For instance, my mother usually cooks cook for us is our household. She takes take extra precaution on what she makes make for dinner since my father has a problem with his heart. Also, she cleans her kitchen utensils everyday to make them clean. In On the contrary, the kitchen kitchens in restaurants the restaurant is are hard to be spick and span since they receive a lot of orders and they don't have enough time to care of cleanliness.
On top of that, making homemade food can grow affection between family members. The preparation for food making can be a fun activity for all the family members to join in. A lot of affection can grow when they talk between in the preparation process. By learning a new method of cooking, you can talk more with your parents. 가족들 간의 관계를 증진시켜준다는 idea가 좋습니다. 단순히 함께 요리하는 것에 국한하기보다 '집에서 요리를 먹는 것'까지 포괄할 수 있는 설명으로 다듬어보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. Kimchi is one of the best examples example which demonstrate such a point. As making Kimchi once a year is all about sharing, and family, all of the family members join in to make Kimchi. It is a hard process since it is for many people. But doing it together in a family can help the family have a better relationship. Actually Kimchi is now registered on UNESCO for its culture importance. What UNESCO acknowledged is that the process of sharing and making it together is what is really important. importance in registering Kimchi. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 김장문화를 생각하신 부분이 참신한 것 같아요^^
Because homemade food can raise affection and it is more healthy for us, I undoubtly believe that it is much better than resaurtant foods or foods at the food stands. All in all, making your own food is for your own good.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 건강이나 가족관계라는 기본적인 idea방향이 좋습니다. 문단의 중심 내용이 잘 드러날 수 있도록 정리해주시고 논리 설명이 더 구체화될 수 있는 부분들을 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 문법오류나 오탈자로 인해 전달력이 떨어지는 부분들이 다소 많은 편이니 수일치, 태, 품사활용 등에 유의해서 작문해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!