Students can study more effectively if they do projects in groups.
It is clear for almost every individual that we live in a well-developed society, where people share their ideas with others and make a ton of communication(s). In fact, by talking with other people, we can learn many things. In this sense, I definitely agree that students can study more efficiently if they do projects in groups. This is true for considering practical, emotional and educational aspects involved.(이렇게 써주시기 보다는 좀 더 구체적 이유를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 1. students can share ideas with others and get ideas and knowledge that they did not know. 2. This is good for students' mental. 3. ~~같은식으로 좀 더 이해하기 명확하게 써주세요)
To begin with, in practical terms, students can share their ideas with others and get knowledge from there. Actually, when a number of students are involved in one area(,) and talk about one specific material, each of them will present every different opinions. This is because humans cannot have the same thinking process, and thus, students can learn from other’s viewpoint. In addition to this, they can not only get a ton of knowledge, but they also can widen their perspective too. By broadening one’s perspective(;), students can effectively do their group project.(주제가 다시 처음으로 돌아온 것 같아요. 효과적으로 배우기 위해선 그룹프로젝트가 필요하다. 왜냐하면 시야를 넓힐 수 있기 때문에. 시야를 넓힘으로서 그룹 프로젝트를 잘 할 수 있다. ?? 궁극적 목적인 learning effectively가 아니라 group project에 도움이 된다고 하는 것은 주제랑 어긋난 것 같아요. 조금 말을 고쳐주시면 좋을 것 같습니다~) For example, my brother Scott was involved in study group in UCLA. The first time when he did was doing the history project about Rome’s fall, he had no idea what to do because everybody had totally different perspectives, and he had only little knowledge about that topic. However, later on after time passes, by having a lot of conversations about the topic with group members, he could widen his personal viewpoint. Plus, he could get a huge amount of knowledge so that he now understands the reasons of Rome’s fall. Therefore, group study is very beneficial for students since it helps them to learn a lot.
Furthermore, as for emotional aspect, students can be mentally relaxed when doing group study. This is chiefly because each student of students involved in group can share distribute their duties with group members. Indeed, almost every student knows why distribution of work is practical. Nowadays, students are extremely busy with their studying, and they sometimes do not have enough time to do all of their work. In this sense, if students’ amount of works decreases dwindles, they will become highly relaxed. For instance, according to the current research conducted by BBC, more than 62.7 percentages of students in UCLA claim(s)ed that group study is the most efficient way of studying since the allocation of work makes them calm so that they can concentrate on their studying even more beneficially. On top of that, with the division of work, UCLA students could feel a sense of responsibility on their duty so that they can make better results compared to doing alone. All in all, group study is strictly helpful for student’s mental health, which is related to their emotional terms. (적절한 예시인 것 같습니다.)
Lastly, in educational terms, students can make up for each one’s weak points by working as a group. There is no perfect person anywhere in all around the world, so making up each other’s weak point is one way to improve the studying skill. After helping one another, students naturally become smarter so that they can ameliorate their weak points and make a better result than before. Then, their grade will increase by many folds, and it will be very practical for their future. A great example of this is my story. As I am a student, I always contemplated on how I can make a better result on my grade. While I was considering what to do, my father told me to get involved in a study group study so that I can share my ideas with others. Afterward, I accepted his advice and joined a group study about Politics(.), which Since it was my weakest subject, I needed someone’s help. Fortunately, one person in of the group members knew well about was great on this topic, so he helped me a lot whenever I faced difficulties on understanding of certain expression. Thence, I acknowledged that making up fault is resolved by group study, and I realized that this is a great educational tool for every student. (예시 적절한 것 같아요~)
In conclusion, in the light of three points aforementioned with examples, the given idea(;) that students can study more efficaciously if they do projects in groups is clearly convincing. It will be wise for entire student body to consider doing group study and make a fruitful result that can affect their future positively.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair- good (19~25)
총평:
1. 전반적인 에세이 흐름이나 구성 좋아요. 아이디어도 좋구요. 이유를 세 개나 들어주셨는데, 이유들이 하나하나 다 적절한 것 같았습니다. 조금 아쉬운 점은 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 aspect로 나누기 보다는 직접적으로 이유를 언급해주셨으면 더 좋았지 않았을까 하는 부분이구요, 또한 본문을 세 문단이나 쓰셨는데.. 혹시 시간이 모자르시지는 않았나요? 보통 글을 잘 쓰시는 분들도 짧은 시간 안에 긴 글을 쓰기는 힘듭니다. 때문에 시간을 재고 써보시고, 혹시 시간이 많이 초과된다 싶으시면 본문은 두 개로 써주시는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요~ 또한, 글을 길게 쓰시다보니 문법 오류 체크할 시간도 부족할 것 같습니다. 왠만하면 이유는 두 가지만 들어주셔도 충분하다는 점, 알아주세요! ^^
2. 문법 오류가 조금 많이 보였습니다. 위에 체크해드린 부분 확인해주시고 고쳐주세요. 항상 검토하는 습관, 잊지 마시구요~
수고많으셨습니다 :)