▶ Your Answer :
Most people might say that concentrating on developing just one skill is better than developing variety of abilities. This is becasue it is not easy work to do well on even one area. However, I strongly argue that people must endeavor to improve manifold skills. There are two reasons for that: it is good for people's health and people can make a lot of friends.
To begin with, developing as many skills as possible is helpful to keep people in shape. This is attributed to the fact that one has low possibility to have much stress from various situations. In other words, if one has a lot of skills, these are helpful to solve various kinds of problems. However, if one conducts well only one area, it has more chances to resolve only one problem. So, they are able to have excessive stress. Stress is very harmful to human being. It can threaten our immune system and longevity. According to a research conducted by Seoul National Univery of Korea in 2013, a test on mice showed that mice got electric shocks has lived shorter than the others. Interstingly, researchers made a link between the mice and the human-beings. They revealed that if people have a lot of stress, their life span is negatively affected. (아이디어는 창의적이고 돋보이나 그 예제에 대한 설명이 부족하네요. 전기충격이랑 스트레스랑 관련 있다는 것을 mention 하시고, 인간이랑 link 하신것도 더 설명해야 하는데 이미 중간 설명이 매우 길고 복잡하네요. 너무많은 idea 를 한곳에 담으신 것 같습니다.)
On top of that, it is helpful for people to build relationships. If a person have a lot of skills, they are likely to be able to help other people's problem. By solving others problem, he/she can socialize with them, therefore enhancing his/her interpersonal skills. Consequently, they can gain a lot of friends. For example, my friend John has a variety of abilities. So he frequently called out by various his friends. His piano playing skill is awesome. So, he is a leader of his Jazz club. In the club, he leads lots of members by teaching the piano skills and musical theories. Talking in the practice with other friends, he has met many people. Also, he is very good at speaking spanish. So, when his friends need to translate spanish into the english, they call him out. He has been keeping good relationships with all people who he met at various situations. (이번에도 아이디어가 좋고 설명도 괜찮지만 their 이랑 them 을 같이 쓰시니깐 어지러워서 singular로 바꿧 습니다. 문장이 서로 끈 어진 느낌이 들어서 문장을 자연스럽게 연결 시키시면 아주 좋을 것 같습니다.
To sum up, to keep in shape, and to make a lot of friends, they need to improve various kinds of skills.
(conclusion 은 햄버거 빵의 아랫부분인데, 빵이 얇으면 터지죠? 이렇게 짧으면 body 쓰느라고 끝낼 시간이 없었구나 라는 걸 알 수 있습니다. 위에서 하셨듯이 주장을 재강조 하시고 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 를 공격하실수 있습니다.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (19)
l 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
l 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
l 설명이 매우 길다
l Conclusion 에도 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 에 대해 mention 하지 않았다.,
l 영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
l 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 시간을 더 가지시고 essay 를 plan 하세요
l 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
l 어떤 side 를 택할지 고른 후, 꼭 가장 그 선택을 튓바침 해줄 수 있는 reason 과 example 을 생각하고, 이것을 각 문단의 끝에 강조해 주시기 바랍니다.
l Conclusion 과 introduction에 더 많은 시간을 투자하세요, 많이 짧습니다
l 문장을 자연스럽게 끝내셔서 다음문장과 잘 이어지도록 하세요
l 문장이 끈 어진 느낌이 나니깐 문장을 짧게 끈으실 필요는 없는 것 같습니다.
l 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이었습니다 :)
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