How movies or television influence on people's behavior?
Nowadays, movies are being developed more and more, ( full sentence (주어, 동다 둘 다 있는 문장)를 연결할 때에는 쉼표를 빠트리지 말아주세요~!) and many people have their habit into watching movies. I am definitely sure that movies have influence on people's behavior in 2 ways: first, through TV or movie stars' attitude and second, through their speech.
First of all, people tend to copy stars' attitude after they watch movies which stars act in. Movie makers usually hire famous celebrities to attract a lot of and a variety of audience to watch it. Those actors or actresses try their best to be shown charming on being charming in movies. Then, audience look watch them very carefully, focusing on their attitude which looked so fascinating to them. After they watch movies, they try to copy the attitude to look attractive like the stars. For instance, my sister was a big fan of Miley cyrus and thought thinks that Miley as was her role model. When she watched a movie called Hannah montana which is a disney movie, she focused on her attitude and facial expressions. She tried to look like her by imitating her movements and asked me if she was like her.
Through this, I could have realized that movies can affect people's attitude by stars.
(예시 적절한 것 같습니다 ^^)
Secondly, stars' speech can have great effects on people. People have really sensitive hearing emotion (일반화하여 말하는 것은 다소 위험합니다. 또한, 어느정도가 sensitive한건지 애매한 이와 같은 표현은 피해주시는 게 좋아요~!) . Also, they try to appeal to audience by making good impressions through their words. Also, they try to make fashioned words to be more famous than before. Then, audience will follow ther words because of suggestiveness of movies. For instance, when I watched the first edition of Harry potter, I was into the movie because it was unique and very fun at the same time. It the movie, stars cast spells on monsters and rascals. It was too toxic because I have heard incantation for the first time. For over a month, I just uttered the incantation with my siblings. So, I am definite can be sure that people usually imitate stars' words for fun or toxication. addicition
To sum up, I firmly believe that movie(s) stars make huge influence on people's behavior in 2 ways. People follow celebrities' attitude or speech.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (22-26)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 잘 쓰셨습니다. 아이디어와 구성 좋은 것 같습니다!
2. 위에서 지적한 부분 체크하시고 수정하시면 좋겠습니다~ 전체적 내용이나 예시는 좋으나 조금 연결이 어색하거나 설득력 없는 부분들이 있기 때문에 이 부분을 고쳐주신다면 더 높은 점수 받으실 수 있을거에요 ^^
3. 문법 오류 체크하세요! 사소한 실수는 줄일 수 있게 에세이 작성하실 때에 항상 마지막에 오류가 있는지 검토하는 습관을 가지시길 바랍니다~!
수고많으셨습니다 :)