People learn more from their peers than those older than them.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
intro한문단으로합쳐주세요
Some people contend that people learn more from their peers than those older than them. I support such argument. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but the two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
body1한문단으로합쳐주세요
First of all, we learn more from our older people. This is because, unlike peers, older people they play critical roles in developing our untapped talents. In modern days, Modern-day, people live hectic lives, because today’s globalized society is increasingly competitive and constantly changing. Consequently, it is difficult for them to discover their personal interests and pursue the fields of study that they prefer. This makes it crucial for older people to help them develop talents and tap into their full potential. Therefore, older people’s influence cannot be overlooked in this context. older people이 어떻게 사람들의 재능을 발전시켜주는지에 대한 설명이 없으므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. 오늘날 older people들이 사람들의 적성을 찾아주어야 한다는 점을 주장하는 것만으로는 <또래보다 윗사람들에게 더 많이 배운다>라는 나의 입장을 support할 수 없습니다. 논제에 좀 더 적절한 idea로 본론을 재구성하시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. According to a group of education experts at Columbia University, people who are under the close guidance of their older people decide on their future careers and develop their potential faster than those who are not. The majority of surveyed education experts argued that people are likely to become unproductive if they do not fully receive the help of older people, especially when they are in their developing stages. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 older people의 도움이 절실하고 필요하다는 점만 주장할 뿐 'older people에게 더 많이 배운다'라는 점을 드러내지는 못하므로 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용에 초점을 두고 흐름을 수정해주세요.
body2한문단으로합쳐주세요
Secondly, learning from older people cannot be compared to that from peers. This is attributed to the fact that 마찬가지로 서론에서 이미 밝힌 나의 입장이므로 불필요한 부분입니다. older people, with their years of life experience, can offer lessons on morality and ethics. Some people who are still mentally immature have a long way to go before they become grown-ups. During this journey, they tend to make many mistakes, and therefore are prone to misbehave. However, they can be guided by older people, who are can teach them about etiquette and social norms, and can thus become good models for society. In this context, older people exert greater influence on people’s learning than peers do. older people이 경험이 많은 것과 사람들에게 윤리의식을 가르쳐줄 수 있는 것 사이에는 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 성숙하지 못해서 잘못된 행동을 하는 사람들을 이끌어줄 수 있다는 설명 역시 '많은 경험'과 직접적인 관련이 없기 때문에 이들을 연결할 수 있는 설명이 필요해집니다. 좀 더 입장을 support하기에 좋은 idea로 내용을 다듬고 설명도 꼭 필요한 내용으로만 구성할 수 있게끔 다듬어주세요. 무조건 모델에세이에서 키워드만 수정하는 형태로 응용할 경우 논점에서 어긋난 글이 되기 쉽습니다. For example, growing young people may give in to the temptation of using drugs because they are too young to judge right from wrong. This is why older people’s involvement is an urgent need. With the guidance of older people, youths can learn how to avoid such temptation and become law-abiding citizens, by listening to older people’s dixxxxscription dexxxxxxscriptions of their own experiences. Through such lessons, they can become holistic beings.
conclusion
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe older people’s influence should not be underestimated. is not only be allowed, but encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (13–18)
모델에세이를 응용할 때에는 '논제에 맞는' 내용이 될 수 있는 case인지를 먼저 점검해야 합니다. 단순히 키워드만 바꿀 경우 논점에 맞지 않는 설명이 많아질 수 있습니다. <또래보다 윗사람들에게 더 많이 배울 수 있다>라는 입장과 연결할 수 있는 주장으로 정리하시고 그에 맞는 설명과 사례 내용이 되도록 재구성해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!