people are less happy and satisfied today than people were in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is plausible the claim that people of today are less happy and satisfied than people in the past. There are, in fact, many perspectives to look at the difference, but in general, our lives have much improved throughout the time and people are more likely to be happy today. In current generation, people live more comfortably with all new technology and inventions. Now, contrary to the past, we live more healthily with much improved medical system and more peacefully with more stable governments. Except that people enjoyed more simple lives and were more connected with one another, I can’t even think of a single reason to believe people became less happy as time passed. 이미 주제와 입장을 모두 설명했으니 크게 필요하지 않은 부분인 것 같습니다. 서론, 결론이 본론만큼이나 분량이 많을 경우 글 전체의 균형이 깨지게 됩니다. 서론에서는 간단하게 주제와 내 입장을 소개하는 형태로 / 결론에서는 본론에서 제시한 내용을 정리하면서 마무리하는 정도로 간결하게 제시해주세요. 서론 본론에 사용되는 시간을 줄이고 본론에 최대한 시간을 투자해서 논리적 흐름을 만드는 것이 중요합니다.
To begin with, humans are enjoying more various ways to live quality of lives. 바로 사례를 제시하기 전에 내 주장이 설득력있게 받아들여질 수 있도록 더 구체적인 설명을 보완해주세요. 구체적으로 삶을 즐기는 방식이 오늘날에 어떻게 다양해졌고 이것이 사람들의 행복이나 만족도와 무슨 관련이 있는지를 풀어서 설명할 수 있어야 합니다. For instance, with the invention of smartphone, people can entertain themselves more conveniently. They look at websites, study, play games, and chat with their friends wherever and whenever they want using the smart phone. That is a benefit people in the past could not even imagine. In the past, people used a cell phone that could only make a call, send text messages, or take pictures. Thanks to tremendous advancement of technology, we afford lives that would have been inconceivable a long time ago.
In addition, humans experience less and less tragedies with the passage of time. Think about the time when people were worried about war. Wars so frequently occurred a long time ago because countries fought with one another and governments were so turbulent before the introduction of democracy. In that time, ordinary citizens were not considered worthy of respect in social classes and so many lives were sacrificed for the purpose of annexing foreign land or overthrowing of the government. With democracy, most of the countries in the world are living contented with peace nowadays. There are still wars occurring in some developing countries like Iraq and Iran, but in most part of the world, there is no more war. Every person is respected and highly valued in most democratic countries and governments are striving to promote and protect those people. In contrast to the past time when people feared risking their lives and fighting for their rights, people today are living happier lives in more stable condition. 전쟁의 위험을 걱정해야 했던 과거와 평화로운 오늘날을 대비해서 주장을 피력한 부분이 좋습니다. 영어에세이는 두괄식 문형을 선호하므로 밑줄 친 부분의 설명 내용을 사례 이전에 소개해서 논증 part를 강조하는 것도 좋겠습니다.
Lastly, humans are living more healthily with advancement of medicine. People in the past could not afford the necessary treatment and medication when they were ill, and many people died before reaching 50. It is reported that young babies could not stay alive and died before growing up a long time ago. It was before the invention of penicillin that most of medications we know were created. It is a rare occurrence today that people die with the disease untreated due to much advanced medicines. They can go to a nearby hospital and gets the best available treatment possible. There are still unbeatable diseases like cancer, but even the survival rate of those diseases is increasing these days. 적절한 설명과 사례입니다. 이 부분에서도 주장에 대한 설명을 보완해서 논지를 강화해보면 좋을 것 같습니다. 사례 내용의 경우에도 좀 더 명확한 수치나 보고된 시기 등이 함께 제시되면 좀 더 신빙성을 높일 수 있으니 실전에서 활용할 수 있을만한 data들을 몇 가지 외워두시면 도움이 되니 참고하세요^^ (ex. 1929년 A.Fleming의 페니실린 발견 이후로 ~)
In conclusion, people have absolutely become happier and afford better lives than before. People came to enjoy lives better with new technology, people are free from risking their own lives, and people afford healthier lives with development of medicines. I sometimes want to relive the past when life was simpler, but I do not miss it a lot and love the life of recent days with amazing benefits that my ancestors could not afford.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 적절하다는 점은 좋습니다. 이를 논증으로 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리가 빠지지 않도록 <왜, 어떻게 그런지>에 대한 설명이 충분히 되어 있는지에 유의하면서 내용을 구성해주세요. 사례내용이 신빙성을 가질 수 있도록 보완하는 부분, 각 문단이 비슷한 분량으로 balance를 유지할 수 있도록 배분하는 부분도 신경써주세요. body의 갯수가 많은 것보다 1-2개의 body만 제시하더라도 적절하게 분량 균형이 맞고 설명 구성이 잘 이루어진 글이 더 좋은 점수를 받을 수 있습니다. 채점항목과 코멘트 참고하셔서 글 검토해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!