Agree or disagree: Technology has made our lives more complicated.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether technology has made our lives more complicated. There have been controversial issues around this topic, and there still is an on-going debate on it. The answer to this question can vary greatly depending on the individual perspective, as not all stand on the same angle. However, in this set of essay, I disagree with the topic for the following two noteworthy reasons. First, advanced technology has many useful features. Second, people no longer have to do the arduous works.
To begin with, the advanced technologies those are present in today’s society have a variety of features, which can be very helpful for our lives. These days, myriads of companies are working to develop the technologies to a further point. Through these works, the modern technologies provide us with various devices that contain many useful functions, making our lives easier and simpler, rather than more complicated. 진보된 기술의 여러 특징들이 도움이 된다는 주장은 너무 피상적입니다. body2에서 기술발전 덕분에 고된 일을 하지 않아도 되어서 삶이 덜 복잡해졌다는 식의 구체적인 내용처럼 body1의 내용도 더 발전시켜서 기술발전이 우리의 삶을 복잡하게 한 것이 아니라는 점을 보여줄 수 있는 측면을 명확하게 제시해준다면 설득력 면에서 더 좋을 것 같아요. 아래 컴퓨터의 사례에서 설명하는 것처럼 '정보' 측면에서의 편의성이나 '시간의 효율성'측면에서 누리게 된 편의성 등을 강조할 수 있겠지요. To take computers as an example, computers allow us to use softwares and programs, such as Microsoft Word, and most importantly, the internet. Instead of writing essays by hand on a paper, we can use Microsoft Word to type essays and then print them. On the other hand, the internet provides various kinds of variety of information, which are significantly important in today’s informative society. And the internet users can now get the necessary information without having to go through thick books. In this regard, it is evident that modern technologies have not made our lives more complicated.
In addition, the advanced technologies also eliminate the need for humans to do arduous works. By developing new technologies, humans are always trying to find out ways to avoid doing difficult works. After the industrialization, the technology has been developing at a very quick pace, eventually replacing humans for certain works. The technology devices doing all the arduous works, our lives have gotten simpler and less complicated. 적절한 내용의 idea와 설명입니다. 이 부분에서도 명확하게 '기계'와 'software'의 발전으로 사람의 힘으로 하기 힘든 복잡한 일이나 불필요하게 노동력이 많이 사용되는 일들을 대신해줘서 편리하다는 점을 강조해주면 좋겠습니다. One of the best examples of this would be the factory machines. In the past, factory workers had to do all the hard works by hand. However, after the invention of steam engine, many factory machines were produced. These machines then did all the complicated works for the workers, leaving only the simple works for the workers. In this sense, it is apparent that the technologies are not making our lives more complicated, but easier.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my stand point account of the two reasons: modern technologies have various helpful functions, and they eliminate the need for humans to do the difficult works. Although the verdict may still be out, considering the above two reasons, there is no doubt that technologies have a positive effect on in our lives, by making our lives easier.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (23-26)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 글 전체의 coherence가 잘 어우러져 있습니다. body에서 제시한 idea를 더 구체화해서 정확히 어떤 점에서 easier life가 되었는지를 보여준다면 전달력을 더 높일 수 있을 것 같아요. 전반적인 구성이나 흐름이 적절하니 단계적 구성을 잘 보여줄 수 있도록 표현과 연결고리들만 improve해주신다면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!