An ongoing debate exists on whether spending some time alone is the most helpful way to relax and reduce stress. Regarding this controversial issue, I strongly support that people can deal with their stress with by spending their time with many friends rather than leaving(living을 말하는 건가요? 스트레스를 그냥 놔둔다는 의미로 쓰신 거라면 문장을 수정 해 주셔야 합니다. 문장의 의미전달이 어색해요.)alone. The reason behind this is that friends can help people to solve the problem, and thus make us to feel relaxed. Additionally, it is hard to take away worries if people are alone.
First of all, people can overcome their difficulties more easily when they are with friends. This is because as they concern about their friends, they are the ones who watch them closely and motivate them not to discourage ahead of difficulties. (they, them이 refer 하는게 people 인지 people’s friends 인지 명확하게 나타나 있질 않아요. 정확히 어떤 사람을 나타내는 건지 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요) Moreover, they have a deep understanding about friends' situation and preferences so that they are likely to find out what they really need more than when they contemplate the solution by themselves (여기서의 they도 정확히 어떤 사람들에 refer 해야 하는지 명확하지 않아요). For instance, my brother had a hard time when he was in high school with because of the bad grade in Math when he was in high school. He was under severe stress but he was so busy that he could not make extra time to take lessons from tutors. At this time, as I already knew what part was his defeat in Math and when was available, I could give him a help of improving his studying. (문장의 의미가 명확하지 않아요. 무슨 말을 하려는 건지 알 수가 없습니다. 좀 더 concise하고 clear 하게 의사표현을 해 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요) If he carried on his worries and stresses alone had his time being in worry and stress alone without saying to telling me, he would not have entered the university due to the bad grade of math.
Furthermore, when they are alone, people are less able to overcome the bad feelings. Some people may say that it is more convenient to leave spend time alone to release worries and stay calm out of stress. However, in most cases people fall into deeper depression dispression if they stay staying alone; it makes necessary to be surrounded by many people that allows people in worries to get distracted from melancoly feelings by doing other things. (단어의 쓰임이 맞지 않는 부분이 있습니다. 수정을 하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면 it makes necessary 라고는 쓰지 않고 it is necessary 라고 쓰는 게 맞아요) According to the report released by the National Psychology Institution in Korea, most experts suggest that the best remedy for people who are in depression is to find other people who can share their feelings. This is because people tend to be easily tend to get engrossed in their bad emotion and think it more serious and lament than the real when they are alone. In this sense it would be unreasonable to argue that spending time alone is desirable to release all stress and stay relaxed.
In a nutshell, I have no doubt that people are better to spend their time with others in order to relax and reduce stress. This is because people can obtain more practical way to overcome their difficult with friends' help. What's more, spending time alone may lead people to bigger worrisome and thus hinder to relax themselves.All in all, the importance of time people spend relating with others should not be overlooked for keeping our mental health.
전반적으로 문장구성이나 의미전달이 확실하지 않은 부분이 많은 것 같아요. 그리고 전체적인 essay의 tone 이 좀 informal 한 편입니다. They 라는 말을 계속 쓰고 있는데 글쓴이의 essay에서 they는 스트레스가 있는 people과 그 사람들의 친구로 표현이 되고 있어요. 하지만 각 쓰임마다 어떤 그룹을 나타내는지가 명확하게 refer 되지 않기 때문에 전반적인 에세이의 이해가 어렵습니다. 다시한번 proof reading을 하면서 they가 표현하는 것을 정확하게 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.