It is often said that people need not to buy products of their nations since free competition would encourage companies to improve their techniques. Moreover, and consumers have the right to buy what they want. However, as far as I’m concerned, we should have preference on our own nation’s merchandises for two reasons: it to improve the financial condition of our nation, and lead companies of our country to invest money for bettering their technologies.
전체적으로 구조와 형식이 잘 잡혀 있는 Introduction paragraph 입니다. General information부터 시작하여 주장을 제시하는 부분도 매끄럽구요. Thesis statement 에서는 논제 = 주제 + 주장을 제시해주시고 근거들을 나열해주셔야 하는데요 디테일이 풍부해서 전체적으로 내용 전달력이 아주 높습니다.
First of all, buying domestic products of domestic companies makes government of their countries wealthy. This is because if If the companies’ profits are growing up, they should pay more tax. This would make the nation’s monetary condition healthier, and it would be the people of the nation that will benefit from the rich government. On the contrary Contrarily, if we choose merchandises without the regards on which nation made the product, it would negatively influence on our country’s foreign exchange holding. For example, in Korea, since Let a a affair of my nation, Korea for example. Since about 2005, large amount of cheap goods which usually made in China have been sold in the domestic market. Since they have relatively good quality as well as matchlessly cheap prices, a lot of people have bought purchased them. In the end, this affected my nation’s Korea's foreign exchange holding, and have it reduced it to about 5 percent. Although the trend was reversed by the export of the semiconductor field, since decreased holdings can cause act as a main reason for a national crisis from like inability of paying back foreign liabilities, that was very worrying.
Also, by purchasing domestic products, companies can improve company could better their technologies for their merchandises. Some people would say that competition free from preference on the items made in their country is good for improving the quality of the product, since they can not survive if they stay deteriorated. However, to create more sophisticated products, they need sufficient funds for research money to research. It is no doubt that the enough money for research is from the robust financial condition of the company (유추할 수 있는 내용이라 생략하셔도 될 것 같습니다). Furthermore, with poor monetary condition, pouring money into development of items can lead them to become bankrupt could lead them to go into bankrupt. In 2003, the Ministry of Finance and Economy, in Korea conducted a research to investigate what causes on what is the reason companies become insolvent. 64 percent of failed companies responded that they should not have put too much money on new field fields of business or innovative products, not considering their financial state. The second Secondly, many enterprises said that they should have lay out laid off some employees to maintain their stable state. In order to buy better merchandises from domestic companies, and raise enterprises of our country with stable economic state, we need to have love for domestic products.
먼저, 두번째 Body paragraph에서는 전문 지식/정보를 사용한 예시를 써주셔서 아주 좋습니다. 첫번째 Body paragraph는 보다 개인적인 예시라면, 여기선 구체적인 정보와 데이터을 토대로 근거를 제시해주셔서 근거 자료들이 더 풍부해서 좋아요. 이 문단도 마찬가지로 구체적으로 좀 더 구체적으로 주제와 다시 한번 연간지어 주시고 마무리해주시면 더 좋은 구조가 될 것 같네요.
To sum up, purchasing items made from domestic companies helps government to become rich, and the benefits of a wealthy government will result wealth of citizens. Furthermore, its beneficiaries of the wealthy of government would be the citizens of the nation; furthermore, this would be the best way to raise enterprises with stability on finance, and ability to produce good merchandises. Therefore, citizens should prefer domestic products.
Conclusion paragraph가 요구하는 요소들을 잘 이해하고 계신 것 같습니다. 전체적인 글 요약과 주제 재강조 역시 좋지만 최대한 내용이 좀 더 이어지게 써주시면 더 자연스러울 것 같네요
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
전반적으로 주제를 잘 파악하시고, 내용, 예시, 어휘력 모두 풍부하십니다. 제시한 예시들의 부연 설명을 더 구체적으로 해주시고 주제와 다시 한번 연관짓는 것, 반복되는 문장이나 문법 실수만 신경 써주신다면 정말 좋은 글이 나올 것 같네요. 정말 수고많으셨습니다~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.25/5 -> 27/30