Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your
opinion.
Opinions vary regarding whether teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that teachers' salary should not be determined according to their academic teaching ability for the following two reasons. First, students cannot develop well in all aspects if their teachers get paid according to the students' performance. Second, students will not develop well even in academic fields. (두 이유 다 조금 애매모호한 것 같습니다. topic sentence이니만큼, 구체적일 필요는 없지만 좀 더 확실하고 명확하게 not develop well 이라는 것이 무슨 의미인지 써주셨으면 좋겠습니다. 또한, 첫 번째 이유는 모든 방면에서 발전할 수 없다라고 해주셨고, 두번째에서는 academic field에서 발전할 수 없다고 하셨는데, 이 경우 확실히 개별적인 두 개의 이유라는 느낌이 드는 문장이 아닙니다. (처음에는 모든것에 대해 말했는데, 다음번에는 그 중 하나에 대해서 말하는 것은 좀 어색하달까요..) 때문에 예를 들어 첫 번째 이유로는 attitude development에 관해 쓰고, 두 번째 이유로는 academic development에 대해 쓰신다면 좀 더 괜찮을 것 같아요 ^^)
To begin with, students would learn knowledge only related to exams if teachers' salaries are decided depending on the students' performance. To be specific, the fundamental reason of getting a job is to make his or her living, and this is no different when it comes to teachers. The more they earn, the more they will be satisfied. However, ways to evaluate students' performances are mostly exams, which can only estimate their academic skills(,). which (문장이 너무 길어요. 여기서 한 번쯤 잘라주세요) This will force teachers to think of effective ways to improve students' academic ability. Also, t(T)his will lead to the imbalance of improvement of students' capability, and students would perform well mostly performing well in academic fields but badly in their real life. For example, China is a country that executes this policy (이 policy가 뭔지 언급해주시면 채점관에게 더 이해가 쉬울 것 같습니다~). Teachers do their best to encourage students to do well in exams. However, this leads to a serious social problem: students do not know what to do after they graduated from high school. They hardly considered their future when they were attending high school because they were only busy preparing for the upcoming exam. This phenomenon indicates that students can be affected negatively if teachers are paid according to how much their students learn. (너무 많은 얘기를 한 문단에 넣은 것 같은 느낌입니다. 선생님들이 돈을 위해 가르친다고 하다가, 예시에서는 학생들이 진로를 모른다는 얘기가 나오고,... 하나의 중심 내용을 정해서 통일되게 내용을 진행해주시길 바래요!)
Secondly, students will learn less in classes. Being paid 'differently' means every teacher gets different payment for their work. Therefore, some teachers can feel comparative deprivation if they earn less, which can lead to excessive competition between teachers. Under this kind of pressure, teachers tend to be stricter in classes to let students learn as much as possible. However, for students, especially in adolescence, they are likely to have antipathy to the style their teachers teach because adolescent students do not like to be in the control of someone else. They will not concentrate in on classes and will not listen to teachers, which will make them learn less in classes. For example, Chinese teachers are one of the strictest teachers all over the world. In contrast, Chinese students do not have the best ability among students all over the world. This shows that if teachers' being are paid differently according to how much their students learn, it does not mean students will learn more in classes. Therefore, it is unnecessary to execute such kind of policy, which will only increase the stress that teachers get. (여기서도 마찬가지로 한 가지 내용을 얘기해주세요. 또한, 좀 더 논리적이게 주장 해주셨으면 좋겠습니다. 선생님들은 많이 가르치기 위해 경쟁적으로 노력하는데 이에 반해 학생들은 덜 배운다는 것이 조금 어색한 연결일 수 있으니, 이 점을 자연스럽게 만들어주시길 바랍니다. 중국 예시를 들어주셨는데, 두 문단이 같은 곳의 예시를 들어주기보다는 다른 것을 들어주는 것도 좋을 것 같네요 ^^)
To sum up, I am not in favor of the idea that teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn because students will develop neither academic skills nor social skills in school. Developing students' ability should be a school's priority, but executing such kind of policy will certainly not do the job. (결론 좋아요. 위에서도 여기 말씀해주신 것 처럼 academic skill과 social skill로 나누어 문제점을 말해주셨으면 좋았을 것 같아요!)
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (17~23)
총평:
1. 인트로와 본문, 그리고 결론에 이어서 같은 주장과 이유가 나와야합니다. 위에서 말씀드린대로 지금 이 에세이에는 인트로에 나온 이유와 본문 첫 문장 topic sentence, 그리고 결론에서 언급한 이유가 다 조금씩 차이가 있어요. 이들을 통합해주셔서 주장을 더 잘 뒷받침 할 수 있게 해주셨으면 좋겠습니다. 그래야 채점관이 글을 읽고 이해를 잘 할 수 있어요~
2. 문법 오류 체크해주세요. 조금 사소한 오류들도 보이는데, 항상 에세이 작성 후 일정 시간을 들여 문법 오류나 내용상 어색한 점이 없는지 체크해주시길 바랍니다. 실전에서도 긴장해서 생각보다 많은 실수를 할 수 있는데, 미리 검토하는 습관을 들여놓으면 이러한 오류들 때문에 감점이 되는 일을 줄일 수 있습니다^^
수고많으셨습니다 :)