There has been an argument regarding the issue of whether renewable energy sources such as wind and water, will replace fossil fuels, such as oil and gas. Some people maintain that there are no alternatives to fossil fuels as the technology to utilize renewable energies are not fully developed. However, from my perspective, renewable sources of energy like wind and water will fill the void of fossil fuels for sure. In this essay, i will present two reasons to support my idea.
To begin with, fossil fuels on earth are finite.< fossil fuel의 양이 finite하기 때문에 재생에너지가 석유를 대체할 것이다.> 이것도 물론 좋은 idea고 thesis statement입니다. 하지만 단순히 석유의 양이 한정되있기 때문이라고 하기보다, 양이 한정되있기 때문에 석유 대신 사용할 수 있는 에너지는 선택적인 것이 아니고 필연적인 것임을 더욱 강조해 주시고, 또 그러한 대체 에너지 중에서 수력,풍력 에너지가 가장 potential/plausibility가 높다고 발전시켜주시는 것이 더 좋을 것 같네요. 이러한 논리들 사이사이의 연결고리를 좀 더 빈틈없이 <왜?어떻게?>에 대한 답변이 충족되도록 살을 붙여주시는 것도 좋겠습니다. In other words, the supply of the fossil fuels is limited. Hence, it is very crucial for the society to find other substituting energy sources before all of the fossil fuels run out. According to a study conducted by many scientists, they have estimated that at current rates of fossil fuel consumption, they will be depleted within next 50 years. Therefore, it is inevitable to discover alternative energy sources in order to supply people with the energy they need to live. This is why i firmly believe that the development of wind and water power is indispensable as they are renewable energy sources,thus they will not run out.
On top of that, wind and water power are far more environmentally friendly than fossil fuels. By and large, there are many defections and disadvantages of burning fossil fuels. One major issue caused by the consumption of fossil fuels is global warming. Consequently, ice bugs icebergs in North and South pole are melting rapidly and many animals become extinct due to the destruction of ecosystem. Fortunately, unlike fossil fuels, renewable energy sources are less ruinous in of nature. A recent research carried out by the Environmental Protection Association, wind and water power emit less than half of the greenhouse gases released by burning fossil fuels. A further study was conducted by the same organization has stated that replacement of fossil fuels by water and wind power will scant the percentage of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere from 0.4% to 0.35%. Although this number appears to be small and trivial, a reduction of 0.05 CO2 concentration in the air can save four thousands of people dying from air pollution. In addition, global temperature will remain in a safe level which means catastrophic events like global warming are unlikely to happen in the future. 논제를 안써주셔서 잘 모르겠지만 우선 논제가
To sum up, renewable energy sources will replace fossil fuels in the future. This is because fossil fuels cannot be replenished and that water and wind power are cleaner and more eco-friendly than fossil fuels.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (23-26)
우선 글 자체는 굉장히 잘써주신 것 같아요. 오타류도 없었고 문법실수나 어색한 표현이 없어 수월하게 읽혔습니다. 하지만 논제를 안써주셔서 정확하지는 않지만, 논제에 대한 답변/이유 두가지를 구상하실 때 이것이 어떻게 논제와 관련되며, <어떻게. 어떤 방식으로> 논제에 대한 답변이 되는가에 대한 고민을 조금 더 하시면 좋을 것 같네요. 또 <왜,어떻게>에 대한 논리적 설명을 조금 덧붙여주시면 훨씬 설득력 있는 글이 될 것 같네요. 다음 첨삭올리실 때에는 꼭 논제를 써주시는거 잊지마시고, 수고하셨습니다.^^