In today’s world, the ability to cooperate well with others is more important than it was in the past. Do you agree or disagree?
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Some people think that it is still convenient to carry out work alone. However, in my opinion, we should help each other to achieve a goal successfully. This is because first, Today, works are more difficult and complicate complicated to finish alone these days. In addition, working with others is more valuable in contemporary society.
To begin with, applied skills in works today are more demanding so it is hard to work alone. 좋은 thesis statement가 되기 위해선 논제에 대한 직접적인 답변이 될 수 있어야 해요. 즉, 이유를 단순히 제시하는 것보다 그것을 논제와 연결시켜주시는 것이 좋아요. Advanced technology makes us to solve them by ourselves. 이것은 사실 논제와 연관성이 떨어지는 진술입니다. 논제는 오늘날의 advanced technology가 문제들을 해결할 수 있는지에 대한 것이 아닌 working alone VS. working together에 관한 것이므로, < 함께 일하는 것이 어떻게 복잡한 문제들을 해결할 수 있는지>에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. For example, I could fix the computer problems easily a few years ago. But now, they are made up of a wide range of products like modem, LAN card and so on, so that I cannot help asking help to my friend. Thanks to him whose major in computer science, I could repair the computer by hand. 이것처럼, 전문지식을 가진 여러 사람들이 모이면 오늘날의 복잡한 문제를 더 쉽게 해결할 수 있다는식으로 접근해주세요. 그러므로 working together이 오늘날에는 더 중요하다고 결론 지어주시는 것도 필요합니다. In other words, like machines, they demand us to be more knowledgable and be a group.
On top of that, we are connected with more closely than in the past. 오늘날엔 사람들과 더 많이 연결되있으므로, working together하는 것은 더이상 선택적인 것이 아니고 필수적인 것임을 강조하는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. Long times ago, we would live in private, which means we didn’t have to attention to others much. However, in today, we are keep in touch with both offline activities and online performances, as a result we have to help each other to keep the relationship. (more in touch with each other > help each other 은 논리적 비약이 될 수있으니 연결고리가 필요합니다.) A survey conducted on by Korea Social Research says that by enlarging the use of internet and smart phones, over 80% world people are linked with each others. They also have shown that most of them sustain the friendship by cooperating something such as assignment, sport competition etc.
To sum up, we no longer live without other’s help. Because resources are hard to be successed reached and we live in society that relationship between people are important. In this regard, I utterly think that we have to cooperate each other more readily.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (11-15)
idea자체는 reasonable합니다. 다만 그것들을 어떻게 전개하느냐가 문제인 것 같아요. 문장과 문장사이가 논리적 비약이 되지 않도록 항상 연결고리에 신경써주시고, 그것들을 논제와 직접적으로 연결시키는 연습이 더 필요하실 것 같습니다. 항상 <왜,어떻게?>논리가 성립될 수 있는지 그 process를 설명해주세요. 또 thesis statement를 더욱 명료하게 잡는 연습이 필요할 것 같아요. 수고하셨어요.^^