*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
There has been an argument regarding the issue of whether nowadays people put too much emphasis on personal appearance and fashion. Some people maintain that not many people focus solely on their look. outlooks. *outlook 세계관, 전망 / look 겉모습, 외양 However, from my perspective, the majority of people spend too much time and effort in developing their physical appearance. aesthetics. In this essay, I will present two reasons to support my idea.
To begin with, people waste a huge portion of their income on purchasing pursuing items to adorn themselves. decorate their outlooks. decorate는 주로 물건이나 장소를 꾸밀 때 사용하고, 몸을 치장하는 건 adorn oneself를 사용하는 경우가 많습니다. outlook도 현재 맥락에는 맞지 않는 활용입니다. By and large, it is common to observe many high school students who are taking a part time job to purchase the newest clothes. In fact, they are sacrificing their studying and sleeping time to improve their appearance. What's worse is that too many young women desire for plastic surgeries and receiving a plastic surgery as a present for high school graduation present for young girls has now become the mainstream. 많은 사람들이 성형을 원하고 졸업선물로도 성형을 하는 풍조는 돈을 '낭비'하는 것과는 관련이 없습니다. 과하게 돈을 사용한다는 부분이 내가 주장하고자 하는 부분이므로 감당할 수 없을만큼 돈을 많이 쓴다는 점에 초점을 두는 것이 더 적절하겠지요. 일관된 논리를 보여줄 수 있도록 흐름을 다듬어주세요. For example, my cousin recently had double eyelid eye lid operation for when graduating from her college. Although her eyes got bigger, she did not look more attractivee but rather highly unnatural. There are so many people out there who have strong covet are eager to change their faces without appreciating the body given by their parents. It is not too far away to see streets filled with people who basically look the same as the others. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 과하게 돈을 쓰는 것과는 관련이 없으므로 수정이 필요합니다.
On top of that, being aesthetically pleasing increases the chance of being successful. Generally, it is now almost considered as a fact that individuals with attractive outlooks become successful. 논점에 맞지 않는 내용입니다. 외모가 성공에도 도움이 된다는 설명은 '과하다'는 입장과는 반대되는 설명입니다. 외모지상주의가 만연한 사회에서 성공을 위해 외모에 신경쓰는 것은 오히려 당연한 일이고 과한 것이 아니라는 논리에 더 잘 들어맞는 설명이 되지요. 입장에 맞는 주장으로 재구성해주세요. For instance, many of the idol girl groups in Korea become famous for being sexy and hot. They are not judged on their musical talents but solely on looks. This is because, the producers know that the general public only wants to see people with preeminent looks on the screen. Unfortunately, singers who are really good at singing but not so attractive become less famous and earn less money. And this is just one example of reality of our society. People judge the others for being fat and short and just ignore their inner sides. Just like how people should not judge a book by its cover, they should not insult and praise one another just because they are ugly or handsome. 타인을 외모로만 평가하는 풍조는 논제와 관련이 없습니다. 논제에서는 '사람들은 그들 자신의(their personal~) 외모와 패션에 과하게 신경을 쓴다'는 statement를 제시했습니다. 사회적으로 외모를 우선시하는 풍조는 사람들이 자신의 외양에 과하게 신경쓴다는 내용과는 논점이 다르지요.
In a nutshell, my contention is that the majority of people concentrate on improving their personal appearance and fashion too much. This is because as I mentioned above, they spend a large sum of money on buying clothes and getting a plastic surgery. Moreover, people cannot ignore this trend that being attractive enables them to live a comfortable life.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (14–18)
전반적으로 글 내용의 일관성이 떨어지는 부분이 가장 큰 감점요인이 되었습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용을 정확하게 파악하고 내 입장을 제대로 support할 수 있는 주장으로 문단을 구성하는 것이 중요합니다. 적절한 주장들로 outline을 다시 잡아서 일관성이 유지되도록 내용을 넣어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 단어활용이나 문법오류 부분도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!