▶ Your Answer :
Many people are strongly arguing that environmental problems are disregardable, if the economical growth is obvious. However, in my sight, it is negligence that neglect environmental interest even though it is so tiny. This is because we are from environment and environmental recovery speed is very slow.(pace of recovering the state of environment is too slow) 밑줄 친 문장을 보도록 하겠습니다. However, in my sight, it is negligence that neglect environmental interest even though it is so tiny (However, I personally think that it is negligent to ignore taking care of the environment)
Firstly, I want to claim that all humans (beings) are (originally born) generated from the environment, so destroying the environment is like killing parents. In other word, it is associated with moral problem(it is the matter of morality), so it is intricate. Virtually, many moral problems are sensational, and still debating (are still constantly debated). Specifically, most of the problems are still unsolved. Particularly, almost of (the) environmental problems are associated with moral (issues), such as preserving species and preventing pollution(we already have alternatives, so pollution is not matter). Thus, the government should deal given proposition carefully because of protest of moral people.(????말씀하신 주제랑은 다소 동떨어진 내용의 문장인듯 싶습니다. 빼주세요)
Secondly, the government must think deeply about concerning environment because the speed of growth(recovering) of environment is so slow, whereas the speed of destroying is so fast. To be specific, it consumes a lot of times to recover environment (to its original state) when the government decide(s) to select the opinion of moral people. To make my point clearly, I will give an example associated with Korea, specifically Korea in the past. By the time when the Park was a(the) president of Korea in 1970s, economical growth is(was) so fast that most countries were surprised. Building express way, developing central city seoul were smooth. However, in about 1985, environmental problems are evoked( aroused), such as scarcity of tree and extinct of some species. So Korea had decide to make ‘Sik-Mock-il’ meaning the day of planting tree. (그래서 회복속도가 더딘가요??? 가장 핵심이 되는 정보가 빠졌네요)
To sum up, goverment’s concern about environment should be subsisted because of the moral problems and the speed of growth. In this regards, I firmly believe that endeavor about environment must be persist(ed) so the government have to give constant interest to environmental problems.
Overall Score: 13-15 /30 (Need improvement) 우선, 문장력이나 grammatical error를 떠나서, 문제는 reasons들이 설득력이 떨어집니다. 첫번째 이유는 철학적이기는 하지만, 너무 구체적이지 않고 abstract 합니다. 이유들은 specific 하면 할수록 좋습니다. 두번째 이유 역시, 회복속도가 느리다는 점을 들었는데, 충분히 논리적으로 설명이 되고 있지 않습니다. 논리력을 킹도록 하세요. 수고하셨습니다~
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