▶ Your Answer : It is very important for people to live in the right place for them and given the choice of living in a small city or a big city, I prefer living in a big city. Living in a big city such as NewYork and Chicago has always been my dream and I think there are lots of benefits. Therefore, I believe living in a big city is better. Not only it makes your life convenient but you will help you build relationships with various people.for the following two subsequent reasons (인트로가 너무 적절하지 않습니다 너무 빈약할 뿐만 아니라 상대방의견도 없고 훅도 적절하지가 않습니다) First of all, living in a big city will make your life convenient and easier. people' life convenient and easier (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다) Most facilities such as hospitals, clinics, supermarkets are located in big cities. If you live in a big city you will be able to access the facilities easier than in small cities and it will make your life convenient If people live in a big city, people can access to different kinds of facilities easier. To be specific, I spent my childhood and adolescent in one of the biggest cities in my country. I could easily see hospitals, banks, and many other facilities that are vital for living. When I was eleven-years-old, I had a severe cold and it even made me hard to breathe which made me hard to breathe. Reminding me of the days I suffered from cold, I thank my parents for living in a big city because as soon as they found me sick, they took me to the nearest hospital and I could see the doctor immediately. If I had not lived in a big city and lived in a small city, it would have taken more time to go to the hospital. Second, I believe that living in large cities give gives an opportunity to build relationships with people in various fields. There are a lot of people in big cities and also people from various fields from different background. Living in a big city, you can access them easily people can access to different people easily. For example, my cousin Jisoo moved to New York a year ago. At first, she was afraid of going to a bigger city than where she used to live. However, her concerns were solved by meeting great people in New York. Jisoo’s dream was to become an editor of a fashion magazine. Unfortunately, it was rare to find a person who works in such a field. Living in New York, however, she met a person who works as a designer for a fashion magazine in a bar. She told me that living in a big city, she could build relationships with people from numerous fields. In conclusion, there are lots of advantages if you live in a large city where people are crowded. Living in a bigger city will make your life convenient by using all the facilities that are supported by the government. Also, you will have more chances to meet various people because a number of people coexist at the place. Therefore, these are the two reasons why I prefer living in a large city than a small city
점수: 23 일단 독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다. You는 에세이로하여금 구어체로 만들기 때문에 독립형 에세이에서는 적절하지가 않습니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이는 단수 복수 주어에 따른 동사 형태에 있어서 오류가잇습니다. 이러한 오류를 피하기 위해서는 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |