▶ Your Answer :
Advancement of technology greatly improved the quality of human lives. Technology, however, also made people live in cut-throat competition by removing jobs that were previously done by human forces. Thus, people started to put more emphasis on education. Many claim that high school students need to learn many different subjects at same time to become versatile. However, I strongly believe students should just focus on three or four subjects at a time. This education style will put less stress on students. Moreover, it will help students to have better understanding on each topic for the following two subsequent reasons. First and foremost, learning only few subjects at same time will give less stress on high school students. Students attending high school are at the stage of their lives when they go through puberty. Hence, they are already stressed out of many other factors such as their self-identity, relationships, appearances, and many more. Pushing them to learn many subjects at school can act as big pressure on them adding another source of stress in their lives. For example, when I was in high school, my mom forced me to take many elective courses while taking four other mandatory classes. It put great amount of stress on me as I was already overwhelmed with assignments in my other classes and problem with my friend. I had to suffer from depression due to excessive stress. Therefore, high school students should learn only few subjects at the same time. Secondly, focusing on three or four subject can enable students to have better grasp in the subjects that they are studying. When too much information come through people’s brain, it is natural to loose many details of what has been learnt. Studying few subjects deeply can be more efficient way of studying as it gives students more time to process new data and remember them in longer period of time. For instance, a survey conducted my national education center in South Korea proved that students who studied few subjects at the same time showed higher performance in their exam compare to other students who learned many other subjects concurrently. Thus, it is advisable for students to learn few subjects in school for better understanding of materials they were taught. In brief, it is important not to give too much stress on high school students as it can bring negative impact on their lives. Also, students tend to show better results when they were taught only three or four classes at the same time. In this regard, I assert that students should only focus on studying few subjects at a single time.
점수: 25 지금 이 에세이는 인트로 부터 시작하여서 결론까지 너무 장황한 독립형 에세이입니다. 독립형 에세이가 장황하다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 하는 의미들이 변질되기 때문에 좀 더 간결하게 자신의 주장을 전달하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분 이외에는 저체적으로 자신의 주장을 전달하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |