▶ Your Answer :
A large number of people might argue that people don’t do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) have to accept criticism from others to get a success in a group. Contrary to popular belief, In contrast to the popular belief I think that people should rise their skill from other members’ advice to achieve the group goal for following reasons : the group is composed of various people and people can broaden their perspective.
First of all, the majority of group has different types of people. have different people (majority는 복수 주어 입니다) It is obvious that there are lots of different idea which people can not consider without others. Also, idea is based on someone’s personal experiences and knowledge. Hence ,the appropriate idea that people can not consider can lead the success of team. For example, my major is the french language and literature but my secondary major is a business. When I do a team project during business class, I realized that there are various students that study different major studying different major. Business is an academic that need needs (academic는 단수 주어 입니다) widen perspective. So diverse students can results result (can뒤에는 동사 원형을 서술하여야 합니다) the best answers to the team projects. By collecting the various advice from each other’s knowledge can lead the adequate way.
In addition, people can enhance their skills and complement their abilities by other members. It is commonly observed that, every people has their own strength on particular field. For instance, people who are good at drawing pictures can be lack of manipulating computer. In reverse, someone who is in the same group has a high quality skill of using computer program. Then they can give advice and criticism to each other part of lack and finally it can be a big synergy to reach a success.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that people are better to take advice from other group members to get the best results for the reasons I mentioned above. All in all, by accepting the criticism from others can be a best synergy and broaden someone’s perspective to a useful way.
점수: 23 각 단락이 서로 문제를 가지고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 이러한 표현들은 에세이 플로우를 방해하니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에 있어서는 너무 내용이 빈약합니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 자신의 내용을 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |