▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to rapid change in the world,
people have mainly two viewpoints. Some feel less happy than in the past.(정확하게 뭐에 대해 이야기 하는지 설명이 불충분합니다. 앞에 언급하긴 언급했지만 이렇게 주장에 대해 중요한 말을 할 때는 제대로 다시 써주세요) Others satisfy their lives in the present. In my opinion, I think people are
happier than the past thanks to the radical world's transition for the
following subsequent two reasons.
To begin with, the advancement of transportation helps people to be more
colorful in their lives. For a significantly short time, a wide range of means
of transportation are developed. To be specific, the development of the vehicle
allows people to move faster into other regions. In addition, people can go on a
trip to other countries just in one day as the invention of airplanes. In
virtue of the progress of transportation, they can go world travel anywhere
what they want in in this modern society. Even though a trip is for a moment, they can
relieve stress and refresh through the tour.(앞/뒷 문장과 잘 이어지지 않습니다) Therefore, those who can live
freely more than ever are contemporary people.
On top of that, the development of a myriad of new medicine enables
people to be happier than the past. One of the most important things about
human's happiness is health. If their health is highly worse, people could be
unhappy no matter how rich they are. However, a number of new drugs are made
more than ever in these days. Thanks to a variety of new medicine, many people can
be cured an cure incurable diseases and people who suffer from sickness can gain a
new life. For instance, my grandmother had undergone an incurable illness. When
she and experienced severe affliction due to her disease. However, fortunately a new drug
was developed and (앞문장과 이 문장 같이 문장 연결하는게 가독성 더 좋습니다) by a Korean company. In virtue of new medicine, she could be
cured and be healthier than then.
In a nutshell, the quick invention of transportation makes people be
more bountiful their lives. Moreover, the advancement of many new medicines can
help them to be healthier than in the past. In this regard, I assure that since
the world is changing so quickly, people now are happier or more satisfied with
their lives than people were in the past.
주장 자체는 좋은 편인데 설명이 그에 비해 잘 되지 않는 편입니다. 이에 대해서는 관련 토플 에세이를 많이 읽어보거나 아니면 에세이 시작전에 마인드맵 적고, 생각을 미리 정리 한 후에 적는게 많이 도움이 되니 주의해주세요. 또, 문장들이 너무 쓸데업이 긴편입니다. 최대한 짧고, simple하게 적어주세요 |