Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
In life, there are a lot of choices that we have to make in order to keep going on with our lives. Sometimes the decisions are hard to make, and people decide to continue doing what they are already doing and keeping it safe. Although I can see why people want to take that path, it will be more beneficial to us if we challange ourselves in doing more. The reasoning behind this is that people can learn more from other choices (choice라는 단어보다는 challenge나 risk같은 단어가 더 어울릴 것 같아요!). Also, by trying new things, people can change/ improve themselves and not be stuck in a hole. (good intro. thesis statement를 좀 더 주어진 문장과 비슷하게 만들어주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. (인트로에서는 그대로 가져다 쓰셔도 되구요!) challenge ourselves in doing more이라고 해주셨는데, "Try new things and take risks"라고 좀 더 직접적이게 언급해주시면 주제를 잘 나타내줄 수 있을 것 같아요~)
To start with, people can learn new things when they challange to do something else. Everybody is afraid of taking risk and stepping out of their comfort zone. However, even if one has failed to accomplish what he/she really dreamed to achieve, he/she would have picked something up on the way of trying that. And(가급적이면 And로 문장을 시작하지 마세요. Also를 써주시거나 아예 빼고 Sometimes로 시작해주셔도 좋을 것 같아요) sometimes, in this process, they find what they really love and be changed completely. To give a personal example, one of my cousins worked as a banker before. He always thought it was his calling, and he did fairly well at his job. Anyway,(불필요한 단어입니다. 빼주세요~) one day, he had a chance to learn cooking to be prepared for later. From that moment, his path has completely changed because he found out his love of cooking loved to cook for other people. Even though, for few years, he had a rough time trying and learning about cooking, it was worth it because now he is happier than ever. Likewise, even the path is hard, You might find your true calling. (적절한 예시입니다. 문단의 결론으로, 만약 그가 banking에 안주하고 요리는 시도해보지 않았더라면~~이라는 내용을 추가해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)_
On top of that, you can always get out of your world by trying new things. As people get used to their surroundings, the old routines become boring and repetitive. People don't even realize this them because it is all they have. It isn't interesting to have a predictable life. Our minds long for discoveries and risk-taking. For example, there was a guy who have over 100 wishes and things to achieve before he die. In his bucket list(,) it also include(s)d walking on the moon and or traveling around the country. His mother always told him to constantly try and challange himself yourself. Now, he is over 80 years old, and he got all of the things on the list checked out. and he is still making lists even now and doing new stuffs. As we can see from his remarkable achievements, it is possible to do anything. (조금만 더 예시와 주장을 연결시켜주시면 좋겠습니다. 여러가지 일을 하는 것의 장점이라던지 하는 것을 좀 더 구체적으로 말씀해주세요. 단순히 남자가 그렇게 여러가지 일들을 하고있다~에서 끝나는 게 아니라 이 점이 어떻게 본문 내용과 연결이 되는지를요! ^^)
To summarize, there are lot of things that you can try in the world, so people have to take risk and break out of their comfort zone. This is because it can give them opportunity to learn and be unpredictable in one's life.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-good (18~24)
총평:
1. 전반적으로 에세이 구성 좋아요. 인트로부터 결론까지, 연결 매끄럽게 잘 해주신 것 같습니다. 문단마다 결론을 지을 문장을 추가해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. (그래서 이 예시는 ~러한 점을 보여준다.라고 주장을 강하게 만들어 줄 문장!)
2. 아이디어와 예시도 적절했으나, 위에서 말씀드린대로 두 번째 예시는 본문과의 연결이 조금 더 필요할 것 같습니다.
3. 초반에는 문법 오류가 크게 보이지 않고 문장력도 좋았지만, 뒤로 갈수록 조금씩 에러가 보였습니다. 체크해드린 부분 확인해주시고 다음부터는 조금 더 실수를 줄이게 꼼꼼한 검토 해주시길 바랍니다!
수고많으셨습니다 :)